WWF Royal Rumble, Providence, RI
A request! A casket match for Yokozuna’s WWF title. Yokozuna is afraid of caskets, but this is also one-time only, this is going to be Undertaker’s only shot at the belt while Yokozuna has it.
DOUBLE DEEP
DOUBLE WIDE
I’ve always legit liked this match. Not in, like, a “Four point two-five stars! Actually great!” way and also not in an ironic way.
(Requests open and tips always appreciated!)
Vince McMahon is on the call with Ted DiBiase, who was just awful at this in the same way he was just awful at managing. It’s really an incredible thing how bad he was at everything other than being a wrestler, including the fact that he had no charisma anymore if he wasn’t an active wrestler. He’s a guy who could talk, but not on commentary and not as a manager, really. Arn Anderson had some of the same problems. Get them out of a competitor’s mindset sort of thing and they just lost their edge or some shit. DiBiase is so fundamentally bad on commentary that Vince often has to interrupt him while he struggles to make his point.
This is not to say he’s never any good at all. He had moments. If I had to guess, his heart was just never totally in it. Never really cared enough to get actually good.
Face-to-face and Yokozuna is the one who backs down. Yoko misses a charge, Taker rocking him with a thrust and two clotheslines, then drops him on a big, jumping clothesline. Yoko up fast, but knocked out of the ring to his feet, where he does a bit of comedy staggering into the post.
Undertaker gets his head bounced off the steps, but no-sells and Yokozuna doesn’t know what the hell to do. That’s also a bit of comedy, and done well.
Outside, Yoko gets a chair, but fails to use it as Taker blocks. Undertaker takes the chair and cracks Yoko over the back, then bops him good on the head. Yoko’s down! He’s getting battered around pretty good hear. Tony Garea gets hurly out of the way and Taker grabs a non-folding chair, hitting Yoko over the back with that.
Yoko’s first offense comes with a big fistful of salt out of Mr. Fuji’s bucket, and finally he’s able to do anything effectively, landing some right hands and smacking Taker into the steps. This time he sells, but maybe more the sale. Chair over the back! HARD shot over the back of the head from Yoko! Goddamn.
Taker’s head bounced off the steps twice more.
Fun bit where DiBiase remembers Yokozuna holds the title toward the end of a statement: “Yokozuna’s already had a taste of being the World Wrestling Federation champion, and once you’ve tasted that, you’re gonna pull out all the stops, he wants it real bad. He wants to get it back. [pause] He wants to keep it in his corner.”
First attempt at the casket comes from Yokozuna. Taker gets rolled in, but basically on his knees. Fuji tries to close the lid, but obviously not happening. Taker fights out from there and we’re back in the ring. Thrusts from Taker, rights from Yoko. Taker wins, but then Yoko catches him with the BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG belly-to-belly suplay.
And Undertaker sits up, grabs Yoko by the throat, and HITS A CHOKESLAM! As much as anyone could hit a chokeslam on Yokozuna, Undertaker does. Big running DDT from Undertaker! Both down.
Urn up, Undertaker up.
Hell yeah, finally Vince drops a “bo-hemoth” in here.
Yokozuna rolled into the casket, but the lid does not come down as Crush has hit the scene to attack Undertaker! Hey, no DQ. All’s fair.
Crush taking it to Undertaker in the ring, keeping him away from the casket. Taker ducks a clothesline and drops Crush. Here comes the Great Kabuki! Here comes Genichiro Tenryu! They’re dropped with a double clothesline!
Yoko still down in the casket. Here comes Bam Bam Bigelow! Crush is back. Taker being attacked four-on-one now. Yoko still out. Mr. Fuji has stolen the urn, so Paul Bearer is powerless to help his man. Bearer steals it back and lays out Fuji AND Cornette! THE URN IS BACK IN PLAY!
AND THE UNDERTAKER IS FIGHTING THEM ALL OFF!
Bigelow gets the salt bucket. Here comes Adam Bomb! Salt bucket hits Crush! Taker has the bucket! Bucket shots for Bomb and Bigelow!
HERE COMES JEFF JARRETT! Off the top and he flies into a salt bucket to the jaw! But even armed with a salt bucket, it is six-on-one. Now eight-on-one as the Headshrinkers hit the ring! And Yokozuna is back in there. Nine-on-one.
Bearer on the apron trying to urn magic Taker back to life and IT WORKS. He sits up again! And he’s decking everyone! Diesel is here now! 10-on-one! Diesel does nothing.
Undertaker in the casket, but he’s got his hand in the way and FIGHTS OUT AGAIN! Smacking up everyone while standing in the casket! Back out and here comes Big Diese now from behind to actually help.
And Yokozuna decks Bearer and takes the urn. That’s it, man. No more urn magic and it’s over. Yokozuna dents the urn on Undertaker’s skull, then drops it and green smoke spills out. Crush hits a suplex on Undertaker. Jarrett hits a flying fist drop. Diesel drops a running elbow. Bigelow drops a flying headbutt. Samu flying splash while Fatu stands by him. And now Fatu up with a flying splash while Samu stands near him.
Undertaker rolled into the casket, lifeless. Lid shut. It’s over. Yokozuna is still the WWF champion.
In all honesty, maybe the Undertaker should have ever made a fucking friend.
The heel brigade roll the casket out of here.
But then Undertaker’s music hits and they stop. GREEN SMOKE from under the casket! Or “green goop” if you’re Vince. To me goop has to be a solid.
Lights flickering. Spotlight on the casket.
On the screen, we see inside the casket. His eyes open.
“Be not proud. The spirit of the Undertaker lives within the soul of all mankind. The eternal flame of life that cannot be extinguished. The origin of which cannot be explained. The answer lies in the everlasting spirit. Soon all mankind will witness the rebirth of the Undertaker. I will not rest in peace.”
Now some, like, x-ray effects on the screen. And then it explodes. And then there’s a negative of Undertaker floating up and a LIVE BODY FLOATING OVER THE SCREEN IN REAL LIFE (it’s marty jannetty in an outfit) FLOATING TO UNDERTAKER PURGATORY
At the casket, Paul Bearer again has the urn and is “looking up at the apparition.”
Anyway, Undertaker returned at SummerSlam against Undertaker. He then got some measure of revenge on Yokozuna at Survivor Series, pretty much the absolute end of Yokozuna as a top guy.
It’s a good brawl for a little bit, then turns into wacked out comic book weirdo madness after a battalion of paid-off bad guys make sure Yokozuna wins and keeps the belt. It’s actually pretty good Pro Wrestling Storytelling and I don’t even think “overbooked” applies very well here; that’s an easy term to use if you want to take WWF wrestling matches super seriously, which I don’t know how you can watch for any amount of time and still think that’s the possibly going to be their forte, but whatever. What they do fits really well. Yokozuna cannot beat Undertaker. There has to be a way for Yokozuna to win. This is that way.
And then the MF did wizard shit. Of all the dumb Undertaker stuff there’s ever been, this was at least the sort that got an inspired reaction and was, like, Dino De Laurentiis goofy. How often do wrestling angles involve Genichiro Tenryu and, eventually, Leslie Nielsen? You answer me that.
Cool match.
Tape Machines Are Rolling 