The Undertaker vs The Undertaker (WWF, 8-29-1994)

WWF SummerSlam, Chicago, IL

This is a request via Ko-fi. It’s the second half of the SummerSlam ’94 main event, along with the Bret-Owen cage match.

The Undertaker had been MIA since Royal Rumble ’94, when he was gang attacked during a casket match with Yokozuna. Ted DiBiase claimed to be bringing The Undertaker back to the WWF, which was at least a little plausible given Undertaker first appeared in the WWF at Survivor Series ’90 as part of Ted’s team. But Paul Bearer said DiBiase’s Undertaker was an impostor, and that he had found the real one. There were some incredibly camp vignettes and stuff, and there’s a long video package recap before this match that is worth watching.

Since these guys are both The Undertaker, this is gonna be stupid to type. DiBiase comes out alone before the match. He introduces “the one, the only, from the darkside, the Undertaker.”

DiBiase’s Undertaker comes out. Brian Lee did an OK impersonation in general but couldn’t get the walk down at all. Bearer doesn’t need to introduce his Undertaker. Howard Finkel introduces him as “the one, the only, the Undertaker!” So they’re not even kind of leaving any doubt or whatever.

Bearer comes out alone. But he stops and turns, and beckons someone or something. It’s a casket being pushed by some druids. It’s the double wide, double deep casket from Royal Rumble. (Allegedly, anyway. In reality it’s clearly not that casket.)

Vince joins Finkel in leaving no doubt that DiBiase’s Taker is a fake. The casket is opened at ringside, smoke pouring out. Paul Bearer reaches in and pulls out the GIANT URN. But no Undertaker. Bearer gives the urn to Earl Hebner, for some reason. Oh, because he can’t get into the ring holding it.

Lights go out. Music has stopped. Bearer opens the urn. Some light pours out and SPOOKY SOUNDS come through the PA. It’s a by God light show here in Chicago! Lawler says it’s “freezing in here.” Bearer shines the urn light all over the place. Thunder sound effects. The music starts again. At the entrance, he’s here. OK, look, I fuckin bought it. The silhouette just standing there in the purple light.

Vince is confident: that’s the Undertaker. Lawler is less convinced, or at least he’s trying to still believe DiBiase might not be a liar. This Undertaker has the walk. Has the full presence. He’s the real deal.

Undertaker gets to the steps and turns the lights on. I can’t get over laughing at the giant urn. It never looks less than comical. DiBiase is dumbfounded. He knows he’s been trumped here. His Undertaker is in grey gloves. Bearer’s is in purple. They get their jackets taken off at the same time. They remove their hats at the same time. But Dibiase knows his guy is fucked. That the real man has come around.

Bell sounds. Real Undertaker’s back is turned, but fake Undertaker isn’t approaching. Real Taker turns around and marches toward the fake one, going face-to-face. He runs his thumb across his throat.

Taker blocks a right hand and lands a kick. Fake Taker sent in, ducks a clothesline, bounces off the real Taker with a shoulderblock. Lee does a solid job running the ropes like Taker, dipping low when he hits them and getting the big spring. Real Taker boots fake Taker to the floor. Fake Taker stalks Bearer as real Taker stares at DiBiase. “It’s aaaaall over for yooou, ooohhh yeeees!”

Real Taker grabs fake Taker’s hair from inside the ring and drags him up to the apron. Right hand, GOOZLE, suplex back inside. Fake Taker sits up. Kick, GOOZLE from real Taker, and he throws fake Taker over the top to the floor.

It has to be noted that the crowd’s enthusiasm has by this point COMPLETELY FUCKING DIED. Real Taker dominating. Fake Taker isn’t bouncing around or anything, but he’s doing fuck all. Then fake Taker hits a stunner over the top rope. Lee’s throat thrusts are about a 2.5 out of 5. Fake Taker goes for the ropewalk, but real Taker stops that, tossing him down to the mat. Fake Taker sits up again. Real Taker hits the ropewalk.

Fake Taker on offense again. It’s bad. Crowd “in awe, they don’t know what quite to think,” according to Vince. I think they know this stinks, dog. Fake Taker with a clothesline. Fake Taker misses an elbowdrop.

Real Taker up, off the ropes, clothesline sends fake Taker into the ropes. Headbutt, punch, punch. Crowd’s dead. Real Taker misses a clothesline and falls out to the floor. “You can hear the…virtual silence of this capacity crowd! They’re stunned!”

Fake Taker with more bad offense inside the ring. Crowd growing increasingly restless. Fake Taker gets frustrated that he can’t really hurt real Taker. Real Taker misses a clothesline, GOOZLE from fake Taker and a big chokeslam. He stands over real Taker and beckons him up, but nothing happens. Fake Taker drops to his knees for the pin and real Taker sits up.

Boy, does this stink.

Fake Taker hits the tombstone. Fake Taker points toward DiBiase, who wants him to pin. He drops to his knees for it again, real Taker sits up. Fake Taker goes for another tombstone. Real Taker shifts his weight and reverses. BIG tombstone. DiBiase back to knowing his man is dunzo. Real Taker picks fake Taker back up and hits a second tombstone. No pin. Fake Taker not sitting up. Real Taker picks him up again. Bearer wants a third tombstone. He gets it. 1, 2, 3.

“The grim reapers,” as Vince calls them, have returned to ringside. DiBiase’s shitty Undertaker gets tossed in the casket and wheeled away. Goodbye, bad Undertaker.

After the match, Leslie Nielsen and George Kennedy open the casket and there’s nothing there. Just some smoke. Then there’s a great “the case is closed” gag. And that’s how SummerSlam ’94 ends. Essentially insulting itself.

Rating: 1/5. It’s an absolutely atrocious match. It’s really so bad that it’s hard to even enjoy on a bad wrestling level. The video package is the best thing about it all. The match itself is horrible and an absolute dud, and Vince McMahon knows it on commentary during the match, trying to sell us on a “stunned” crowd. But it’s just a dead crowd that is done after the entrances. Once we know the real Undertaker is back and that we haven’t been mistakenly remembering what Undertaker looks like, it’s over. But it is what it is, and hey, Brian Lee got to main event a SummerSlam.