From the USF Sun Dome in Tampa, Florida, it’s SATURDAY NIGHT’S MAIN EVENT!
I don’t usually do entire show reviews, of course, but I don’t NOT do them, and this is a request! There will be a couple more, too. Plus SNME runs about 60 minutes and had a breeziness, so I’m looking forward to it.
Just a reminder that if you DO want to request a full show — which is welcome! — it, like, costs more than the normal $3. Because it is long and takes up a lot of my time. And what a great treat you get in the end! Me saying shit about wrestling to read while you take a crap or dump.
(Requests open and tips always appreciated!)
Vince McMahon opens as our host, and he’s joined by Jesse Ventura, who will be in the ring shortly teaming with Roddy Piper and Bob Orton against The Hillbilly Bloodline. Since Ventura’s not on commentary with McMahon tonight, he introduces his replacement for the evening: Bobby “The Brain” Heenan.
Mean “Gene” Okerlund is with Piper and Ace Cowboy Bob. Piper reasons that the hillbillies are really to blame for this whole thing, since they’re the ones who jumped Ventura 3-on-1 at the last SNME. Gene then talks to the hillbillies and calls Jim “Hillbilly Gene.” Jim is in a very serious mood.
Hillbilly Jim, Uncle Elmer & Cousin Luke vs Roddy Piper, Jesse Ventura & Bob Orton
“This is gonna be one six-man tag team matchup,” Vince says, which is absolutely true. Ventura and Elmer start and we get some absolute state of the art work. Crowd responding big to every Elmer hamhock punch and Ventura is a riot staggering around. Piper’s got blue trunks, yellow knee pads, and red boots, just an absolute embarrassment, looks like a little kid who picked his own outfit for the day.
The hillbillies work well because they wrestle like they don’t “know how,” like they really are just country boys in there fighting with professionals. Uncle Elmer in particular is OVER, dude.
Hillbillies send the non-hillbillies packing after a brawl, but the brawl is back on pretty fast, and then it settles to Piper vs Jim, with Piper outfoxing Jim and getting him to the heel corner, where they can make quick tags and do damage for a moment. Luke comes in to throw a bunch of weird ass double axhandle strikes before getting caught in a sleephold, and the BRAWL IS BACK ON. Orton whacks Luke with the cast arm, having adjusted it, and Piper gets a sleephold win as a result, Luke already knocked out from the cast. 2/5
Junkyard Dog wins his waterslide competition with Jimmy Hart. Poolside, Terry Funk and Jesse Ventura. Funk threatens to “fry” Sports Illustrated and Hulk Hogan with his iron. We get some clips from a match in Denver where Funk drove the iron into Hogan’s chest. Back in the Sun Dome, Gene’s with Hogan, who will have JYD in his corner to make sure Jimmy Hart can’t ruin the match.
Hulk Hogan vs Terry Funk
This is for Hogan’s WWF title, Funk is the No. 1 contender. They start with a cute bit where they reverse and re-reverse an Irish whip to the corner a few times, Hogan winding up winning out and sending Funk to the floor with a clothesline. Ventura notes that Funk “likes to refer to himself as middle-aged and crazy,” and it’s a reminder that Funk is indeed 41 years old for this match. You can also tell quickly that Vince doesn’t really like to have one of his WWF wrestlers called “middle-aged.” I mean it’s one thing to do it 12 years later when Funk returns as an obviously aged man, but he’s still about as good as he ever was in ’86.
Vince does put Funk’s ability over big, though. The hard cam starts shaking when Funk avoids actually taking a bump to the floor by just sort of rolling over the timekeeper’s table ringside, knocking shit all over. It’s all silly-billy Terry Funk shit early here, one of the many things he just did so well and with an understanding that the average good wrestler just doesn’t really get. The way he’s flopping around all over for Hogan is comical, but he keeps it right on the edge where you can still take it seriously, which is what can allow him to so perfectly transition to offense where he’s mean, nasty, and credible, and then he can go right back the other way just as fast.
Hogan throws a little headbutt, hits the big clothesline, drops an elbow, he’s rolling. Jimmy Hart grabs a foot, but finds himself stuck between Hogan and JYD, so he escapes under the ring. “Can you blame him? He weighs 120 lbs,” Ventura says. Funk uses some wrist tape to choke Hogan, and cleverly positions himself so that Dave Hebner can’t see him using it, then gets rid of it when he’s done the damage.
Funk hits his stylishly lazy piledriver for a two count, Ventura’s pissed about a slow count, but Funk stays in control, methodically working Hogan over. The crowd is filled with Hulkamania though so ol’ Blueshorts Hogan becomes invincible. Back elbow, big boot, Funk tumbles to the apron. Dummy JYD distracts the referee and Hart hits Hogan with the iron, but Hogan gets a foot on the bottom rope. JYD assaults Jimmy. Funk argues with Hebner. Hogan flattens him with a lariat for the win to retain. Hogan’s offense all looks great in this match, and it’s only partially that it’s Funk selling it. Terry’s not exactly doing his greatest work here but it’s a good match and “fun!” 3/5
In 1985, George “The Animal” Steele underwent shock therapy that failed and then he lived at the Detroit Zoo for months. Also, Miss Elizabeth doesn’t know how to swim so Randy Savage hurls her into pool.
Randy Savage vs George “The Animal” Steele
George is mindlessly in love with Elizabeth or whatever. Capt. Lou Albano is in Steele’s corner for his comeback here against Savage. Before he bulked up further, Savage moved with a speed and intensity that nobody else could match, and it really stood out in the WWF of this period. It’s not even just the way he does moves or takes bumps or whatever, it’s every motion he makes. He’s a just-uncaged animal, either running away from an advancing Animal or trying to spring a quick, half-sneak attack on him.
“He has some sort of fetish or something!” Vince shouts as Steele eats the turnbuckle. I don’t think he was nuttin’ over it, actually. But you never know, I guess. His perversion leads to his downfall as Savage nails a flying double axhandle for the win as Steele is distracted by eating buckle stuffing. Not good but there’s really nothing terribly wrong with it, it’s just all storyline bullshit to continue the Savage-Steele story. 2/5
Back at the pool, Mean Gene and Hulk Hogan introduce a 1985 year in review video. Here it is (non-Billy Ocean version), why not:
Mean Gene is with Nikolai Volkoff and Freddie Blassie. Volkoff has a “Peace Match” with the Corporal Kirchner. It’s a scientific match. Iron Sheik is also here. He says one thing. Ventura is now talking to Kirchner at the pool. Kirchner can’t cut a convincing promo for shit then he zip lines down into the pool.
Corporal Kirchner vs Nikolai Volkoff
Kirchner’s patriotic entrance interrupts Volkoff’s Russian anthem singing. Kind of a rude thing to do before The Peace Match. From Kirchner’s Wiki: “Then he started what would be a successful wrestling career for himself in Japan as he created the ring name and gimmick of ‘Leatherface’ and tied it in with the villain of the same name from the movie The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” I’m not sure I’d count this as “creating” something.
The Code of Honor is observed here in The Peace Match, which is basically Pure Wrestling rules. And when I want to see the great scientific skills of two fine professional wrestlers on display, I want to see it from Corporal Kirchner and Nikolai Volkoff. In all honesty, it’s fine, maybe being a “good technical wrestler” is actually very easy and when evaluating greatness, we should penalize guys like Zack Sabre and Bryan Danielson for focusing so much on that.
They really are working it clean here for a bit, and even in the midst of competition they get a little handshake in, showing respect for one another’s skills. The sweetened crowd noise while people just sit on their hands in the crowd is really wild, Thunderdome level stuff. Volkoff is the one to go unscientific, nailing Kirchner when he could have broken clean, then dropping Kirchner’s throat over the top rope and then landing a knee for the win. Kirchner attacks everyone post-match, which is beyond fair given Iron Sheik came in and spit on him. 2.5/5
In 1985, Don Muraco and Mr. Fuji tried to hang Ricky Steamboat to death. Now, in Florida, the ladies all want to bone Muraco, whose steroid belly at this point is outstanding.
Ricky Steamboat & Junkyard Dog vs Magnificent Muraco & Mr. Fuji
This is BAD BLOOD. It starts with PANDEMONIUM, and Mr. Fuji is beating Steamboat’s ass, slamming him on the floor and what have you. Fuji was getting old but was still a regular wrestler and actually worked quite a few matches in some form up through ’91 and then a few more in ’92. In the ring, Muraco’s giving JYD the business.
That doesn’t last because there is not much time left in the TV window. Ventura notes that Fuji is using “them karate techniques.” Ventura’s a pretty intelligent guy (hang with me here) but he always maintained that, like, Minnesota hick way of speaking. Dog moving with all the urgency and passion of me trying to think of something that would be a good punchline here. But he is cool and when he does a headbutt it is cool so it doesn’t matter much, the crowd is fired up for him all the same.
Dog gets to do the selling because it’s the least physical effort to put in and he’s easily able to get sympathy from the crowd. Muraco shoulders the post and Steamer gets the hot tag, and here come them karate techniques! This is a lot faster than Muraco wants to move, but he’s gotta, because the Dragon is here to work. Steamboat’s flying crossbody hits, but Fuji breaks the pin. He’s sly, that Mr. Fuji. Fuji gets the tag but so does JYD and a headbutt finishes it clean. 2/5
After the action ends, Vince believes the best thing we saw was Hulk Hogan. Ventura disagrees, he believes it was himself.
Tape Machines Are Rolling 