Royal Rumble Match (WWF, 1-18-1998)

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WWF Royal Rumble, San Jose, CA

Got a Ko-fi request for any Royal Rumble match, dealer’s choice. I’d only ever reviewed for the site the ’92 Rumble, which is the best one and any other argument is deeply wrong, I’m sorry you’re not as old as I am if you disagree, on the plus side you will live longer, on the … minus side the world you are left with looks like it will be dogshit.

Anyway, I, as the dealer, put four options to the world for seven minutes.

So here we are!

(Requests open and tips always appreciated!)

1998. A time of change. 1997 for the World Wrestling Federation had been a tumultuous and wild time, with the quality of their shows swinging wildly, but the seeds of “The Attitude Era” firmly planted, from Steve Austin’s continued ascent to Shawn Michaels and D-Generation X, a lousy “here you go, buddy, you earned it!” Midcard+ title reign for Undertaker running between WrestleMania 13 and SummerSlam, the summer dominated largely by Bret Hart’s heel turn and some glorious months of the heel Hart Foundation, which violently crashed down, of course, at Survivor Series in November.

All the while, ratings-wise, WCW was beating their asses on Monday nights. But 1997 is my favorite year of the WWF ever; I don’t think it’s their best year in terms of quality, because there are a lot of bad misses that come with the hits, but there is SO MUCH happening, all the time, as Vince and Co. just start wildly swinging for the fences trying to find a way to halt WCW’s dominance. Eventually, they got there, and it starts in early ’98.

ANYWAY, the Rooooooooooyal Rumble! Like with the ’92 post, I will just be doing bullet points and stream of consciousness stuff here, because battle royals and Rumbles and whatnot are hard to “write” about otherwise.

Mike Tyson is up in “the director’s box” with Shane McMahon. Very important! Not so much for tonight.

  • Nos. 1 and 2 are Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie. But they’re friends! Kinda. Jim Ross hates his mother-in-law. Cactus brings a garbage can, then Charles brings his chainsaw into the ring and Cactus throws a bunch of chairs and shit in there. We start with Cactus hitting Chuck with a chair. The chainsaw keeps running and then referee Jack Doan slips in to get it the fuck out of the ring.
  • Charlie takes off his pantyhose mask to show his face and beg Cactus to hit him in the skull with the chair. So Cactus does. Another one? No, Cactus gives Chuck the chair to hit him. These wackadoos, I tell you! I’d seen it all once I saw these silly bastards!
  • No. 3 is Tom Brandi. The crowd absolutely explodes for “The Big Italian,” formerly known as Salvatore Sincere. He is immediately chucked.
  • You can tell Lawler is having fun insulting Terry Funk again. “Terry Funk’s so stupid he thinks he’s Chainsaw Charlie!” “You think you’re a King,” Ross shoots back. Chuck gets suplayed onto two chairs in seated position.
  • No. 4 is The Rock. The Intercontinental champion and another fast-rising star following his ’97 heel turn, a guy nobody took to as Rocky Maivia, who also won the Intercontinental title, but once he got rolling as a heel, he was all momentum, there was no stopping that dude from being a top star. Jack and Charlie kick his ass pretty good, putting a garbage can over his head and just punching the shit out of it, knocking Rock out of the ring but not over the top.
  • No. 5 is Mosh of The Headbangers. Chuck fires a chair at him on the way into the ring because Terry’s feeling it and when Terry’s feeling it, he loses all sense of what he should and shouldn’t do. Funk does eat a DDT from Mosh pretty quick, and lets Mosh get plenty of licks in while Jack fights Rock. They’d have a fair bit of future together in the coming few years.
  • Charlie misses a moonsault on Mosh, but he got to show everyone in San Jose he can still do it.
  • No. 6 is Phineas Godwinn. The Godwinns are nasty assholes by this point. Jim Ross now deeply believes that Phineas is inbred because he isn’t a fun yokel anymore.
  • No. 7 is 8-Ball of the Disciples of Apocalypse, a leftover from Vince Russo’s “Gang Warz” idea of ’97 that never went anywhere interesting, really, but did give a bunch of people something to do. Were they people who needed to be doing something in the WWF? No, mostly they were not, but all the same!
  • Jerry Lawler reports that “someone got to” Steve Austin backstage.
  • No. 8 is Blackjack Bradshaw. I will die on the hill that the new Blackjacks could have been plenty good if they had been given an honest shot. But then again maybe not! But they could have.
  • No. 9 is Owen Hart, recently returned in December following a post-Survivor Series absence due to, you know, the situation between the Harts and Vince McMahon. Bret, obviously, was gone. Davey Boy Smith and Jim Neidhart were released to follow him to WCW and cash checks. But Owen, even if he wanted out (he supposedly did), was not granted a release. Some people have argued he should have been made WWF champion but this is nonsense. The eye was on Stone Cold Steve Austin — who was going to be able to go nuclear as a star if everything was done right, and it was — taking the belt off of Shawn Michaels. Owen Hart just had no place at the very top of the WWF at this point. Where I do quibble is that they basically used Owen as fodder for Triple H in a European title feud, but since he wasn’t really going to get Shawn, Hunter was the logical feud. It’s just that I think Owen should have won that feud, or at least the match at WrestleMania XIV.
  • Anyway, Jeff Jarrett and Jim Cornette, who are doing a terrible NWA angle nobody cares about, attack Owen in the aisle and lay him out. Oh, and Cactus Jack got eliminated by Chainsaw Chuck somewhere in the midst of all that has happened so far.
  • Hey, No. 10 is Steve Blackman, the “Lethal Weapon” himself! He walks into Charlie, who offers some lunatic Texan karate but gets knocked over the ropes by Blackman, only to save himself again. “That old dog can hunt,” JR says of Funk, who then takes a piledriver from 8-Ball. Funk just having a ball out here taking offense from everyone he sees.
  • Lawler continuing with his anonymous reports that Austin has been taken out backstage, adding now that it “may have been Ken Shamrock.”
  • This is a wild time period because even before we hit double digits, Jim Ross in particular is frothing at the mouth to tell you how impressed he is with The Rock being out here the whole time since he entered at No. 4! Meanwhile 700-year-old Terry Funk is still in wearing a ridiculous get-up.
  • No. 11 is D’Lo Brown. I saw him wrestle Joey Janela at a Black Label Pro show once. I do not remember it other than it seemed alright from where I was standing. ’98 will also be D’Lo’s breakout year, but not quite yet.
  • Rock and D’Lo team up on Bradshaw, then trade blows themselves. Wow! Only in the Royal Rumble, folks! I tell ya!
  • No. 12 is Kurrgan. He was in The Truth Commission! They went nowhere fast. Kurrgan winds up in The Oddities group later in the year. Kurrgan one of many giants who was tall and that about covers it. And honestly, he’s not even that tall compared to someone like Bradshaw, 8-Ball, or Phineas Godwinn.
  • Mosh out thanks to Kurrgan, but mostly thanks to Mosh himself being an idiot. Kurrgan dominates Blackman after no-selling a spin kick.
  • No. 13 is Marvelous Marc Mero, who has lost a lot of his speed and flying ability to injuries, and is leaning on his amateur boxing style now. It never really gets anywhere, but it all does help Sable get over.
  • Blackman dumped by Kurrgan. Rock punching D’Lo instead of the two of them teaming up to do damage on anyone else. And they’re both getting fiery about it. Mero running around looking for people to do careful boxing combos on.
  • No. 14 is Ken Shamrock. Shamrock chops Kurrgan down immediately, then calls on some other lads to help push Kurrgan over, so he’s gone. Wrestling never totally took off for him but he’s done pretty well as Tall Man in several Hollyweird motion pictures and television programs.
  • No. 15 is Thrasher. He’s got the Marilyn Manson shirt, the “Get Your Gunn” CD single design.
  • Jerry Lawler is going to beat up Mike Tyson.
  • Mero shuffling around in boxer stance is very funny, especially when Shamrock just kicks him in the leg.
  • No. 16 is Mankind. JR is “a little confused here.” And then the idea passes pretty fast. Mankind dumps Chainsaw Charlie, whose performance is described as “a yeoman’s effort” by JR. A little genuine respect without being over the top about it. Funk had a ball, hanging around a while, taking offense from all these kids.
  • Shamrock finds Rock as they continue their feud, which was terrific stuff. Shamrock deserves tremendous credit for helping Rock really get over as a strong IC champ and rising star.
  • No. 17 is The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust, accompanied by Luna Vachon. Used to not allow managers ringside for the Rumble. “He is an emotional invalid, is ‘The Dream’s’ boy,” Ross offers. I never really got into this era of Goldust, but it did help him hang around a while longer.
  • Mero wants Sable to cheer for him, he has become that he once despised most. He has become 1995 Diamond Dallas Page.
  • Mankind dumped by TAFKAG.
  • No. 18 is Jeff Jarrett, the NWA North American champion. This was, in some ways, an admirable attempt to make Jeff Jarrett something different, but it didn’t work. The theme also doesn’t work for him, really, but as far as it being Jim Johnston trying to make something sound “legacy NWA,” I think it’s quite good. Ross notes that Jarrett is the only NWA representative in the match. What, no Bodacious Bart or Bombastic Bob?
  • Owen Hart returns behind Jarrett and kicks his ass. Honestly, I wish they’d just paired Owen off with Jarrett instead of the Helmsley feud. It wouldn’t have done much for Owen but it would have been artistically better. JJ tries to dump Owen, who skins the cat and throws Jarrett out.
  • No. 19 is Honky Tonk Man, for kicks. “Ahh!” Lawler screams, the same way he would if someone had been set on fire or he saw most of the meat on a tit.
  • Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Chyna are rehind behind HTM, Helmsley on crutches trailed by the heater who finally got him over.
  • Rock dumps Shamrock as we look at Hunter and Chyna. Owen gives them the bird. Chyna swings a crutch at Owen, he blocks, but Helmsley hits Owen with the other one and Hart is eliminated and beaten further with the crutch. Ross looks forward to them “going nose-to-nose” in the future, which he does not deliver in a comedy way but is a clear comedy line.
  • (They both have big noses.)
  • Owen, chasing them to the back, falls down going through the curtain.
  • No. 20 is Ahmed Johnson, who was a breath of shockingly fresh, physical, insane air when he hit the WWF in ’95, but by this point he’s had a lot of injury issues, and any hope for a real push is gone. He’d turned heel in ’97, got hurt, came back, the Nation turned on him, he’s babyface again here but you can tell the heart’s just not much in it anymore. His last match for the WWF comes at the February pay-per-view.
  • They stop playing his music by the time he gingerly rolls into the ring as Ross says that Johnson “says he’s at 100 percent” after the numerous injuries. Johnson stares it down with Phineas, hits him, goes after D’Lo. TAFKAG and Honky Tonk “go at it.” Lawler is concerned about his cousin, then tries to ignore that he said that. It’s a good bit. Then 8-Ball and Honky roll around like a couple of tired perverts.
  • No. 21 is Mark Henry, the newest member of the Nation, having just joined six days prior. Henry gets right after Ahmed. “Mark Henry is handling the big Johnson,” Ross says. He’s having a ball out here, I swear, and he’s soft-selling every bit of it. Henry powders Ahmed in the eyes.
  • No. 22 is … nobody! They think it was supposed to be Steve Austin.
  • Eventually, Ahmed is lightly thrown out, then Phineas Godwinn follows. He lands on and accidentally concusses poor Jack Doan. Ahmed and Phineas slowly brawl to the back. Ahmed’s trunks are so far up his ass hole.
  • D’Lo beats up Mark Henry. The Nation are idiots! Speaking of,
  • No. 23 is Kama Mustafa, who awkwardly into Ahmed Johnson because Ahmed still hasn’t quite made it to the back. Ahmed kinda has to interact at Kama, but Kama just sort of sidesteps him.
  • Honky Tonk Man mixes it up with the reigning Intercontinental champ, which is fun.
  • “8-Ball! 8-Ball’s still there,” Lawler remarks, but not with the level of confusion that should be there.
  • No. 24 is Stone Cold Steve Austin. “What?!” And everyone just lines up at the front of the ring, waiting on Austin to hit the ring. Austin has recently made himself the most marked man in Royal Rumble history by basically just beating the shit out of everyone he comes across weekly, so they’re all ready to team up and say, “Fuck this guy!”
  • Instead, Austin comes from the crowd, behind everyone. Mero out, but the group does corner him, and then he just walks out. 8-Ball out. It slows down from there. We see Mike Tyson cheering his man Cold Stone.
  • “No doubt, Tyson, the toughest SOB to ever lace boxing gloves on.” lol. lmao. sure, Jim.
  • No. 25 is Henry Godwinn. He jumps right on Austin and whips some ass. Ross points out how long Bradshaw has been in the match. Starts to work on putting him over as Bradshaw beats up Honky Tonk Man.
  • Rock and Kama fight. Mark Henry helps beat up Rock. This is the worst faction behavior in a Rumble I have ever seen.
  • No. 26 is Savio Vega, flanked by the other three Los Boricuas, who all go right after Austin. They do poorly in the 4-on-1 situation. Austin and Vega have history. That all peters out into nothing of interest quickly.
  • No. 27 is Faarooq. So the entire Nation of Domination will be in here, all five of them. Faarooq just goes right after Rock. He’s sick of this idiot. And now he’s fighting D’Lo, now Kama. Rock and Austin pair off on the outside. They also have recent history and, in hindsight, are clearly being set up for a generational rivalry, at least being given then chances to make it happen. Rock lays Austin out on the floor so Steve doesn’t have to risk too much in here with these ham-and-eggers and lunkheads.
  • No. 28 is Dude Love. All three faces of Foley in one Royal Rumble? NOW I’ve seen it all!
  • It is at the hands of Dude Love that Bradshaw’s run ends.
  • Austin hits Goldust with a lariat. Dustin never learns.
  • Austin back inside the ring and gives Rock the what’s-for a little bit. Running rope-assisted Mike Enos!
  • No. 29 is Chainz, who became the default new leader of the Disciples of Apocalypse when Crush left following the Montreal Screwjob.
  • Vega and Goldust, two guys who have long histories with Austin, kick Steve’s ass in the corner until Steve’s old pal Dude Love gets in there.
  • Sign: STONE COLD IS BOUT IT.
  • No. 30 and the final entrant is Vader, whose career is also stuck in the dogshit mud, similar to Ahmed Johnson. Vader runs right into Goldust. They had a great match once.
  • No. 22, for what it’s worth, would be revealed to be Skull, the other Harris twin, taken out when Los Boricuas, being idiots, thought he was Steve Austin backstage.
  • So here’s who can win, in order of their entry: The Rock, Thrasher, TAFKA Goldust, Honky Tonk Man, Mark Henry, Kama Mustafa, Steve Austin, Henry Godwinn, Savio Vega, Faarooq, Dude Love, Chainz, or Vader.
  • Honky Tonk out. Didn’t take long. Vader punches Rock in the face a few times. Stone Cold dumps Thrasher. Damn, there goes my pick. Kama’s dumped by Austin right after.
  • Faarooq and Vader pair off for a moment. That’s neat. Austin tosses Savio. Goldust clotheslines Vader out. That is one unceremonious run for Vader. Man’s WWF career was cooked. Goldust dumped by Chainz. Chainz tossed by Austin.
  • Faarooq tries to eliminate Mark Henry, who doesn’t seem to get that he was supposed to fall out to the floor, so he comes back in, Faarooq punches, and then Henry just sort of steps through the ropes to the floor, and we’re gonna count that. We all rightly remember Henry fondly for his later work, but he took a while, man. It wasn’t until he was tagging with D’Lo routinely that he really started to get it, which is also fair, he was green as hell, they gave him a long-term contract basically on sight, he was on TV sooner than most anyone would be.
  • So the Final Four is The Rock, Faarooq, Steve Austin, and Dude Love. Two faction members who can’t get along and former tag team champions who were never really a proper team.
  • Austin and Dude do work together, though, at least until they get the advantage, then Austin attacks Dude, who gets the Mandible Claw, only to be kicked in the penis. Faarooq eliminates Dude! Ostensibly it’s 2-on-1 against Austin but the Nation have not worked together all night, why would they now?
  • Rock sneaks in to eliminate Faarooq, and we’re down to the Rock and Austin.
  • TRADING RIGHT HANDS! Rock dumped, but hangs on. Comes back, Stunner! And NOW he’s gone!
  • STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
  • The win is Austin’s second straight in the Royal Rumble, but the first one that’s legit. His ’97 win was nonsense and led to the “Final Four” match at the February ’97 PPV, after Shawn Michaels was a fucking baby as usual. Austin would win a third Rumble in 2001, and is the only three-time winner in Rumble history.

Honestly, it’s not a very good Rumble, pretty dull for long stretches. A lot of neat little things in there, but they’re scattered and so many of these guys are pure filler, and the roster was pretty thin, which shows up. Throughout 1998, once Austin got on top, they’d pick up more and more of a useful midcard. I mean, look, a guy like Al Snow never had any better shot to win a Rumble than, say, the Godwinns or Savio Vega here, but Al Snow at least was over and people were excited to see them. But this is largely just killing time to get to Austin winning. And there’s a lot of low effort Rumble stuff, Marc Mero a major example of that, just kind of waiting around to do stuff, which happens in basically all Rumbles, but is very clear all over this match.

2.5/5