The Rock n’ Roll Express & Arn Anderson vs The Stud Stable & Dutch Mantel vs The Heavenly Bodies & Bobby Eaton (SMW, 4-2-1993)

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SMW Bluegrass Brawl, Pikeville, KY

Three teams, three per team, elimination rules, street fight rules. Pure chaos promised.

Let us check in with everyone.

First we have The Stud Stable, with Robert Fuller pumping iron and Jimmy Golden talking shit, before Dutch Mantel wanders in. Jimmy Golden threatens to beat SOMEBODY to a “bloody pup” in Pikeville. Robert Fuller shouts while Golden takes over on the iron. Dutch Mantel came here on a pack mule and will introduce six other guys to Shoo Baby. Both Golden and Mantel specifically threaten Jim Cornette.

Arn Anderson speaks. Arn relates a story about not wearing underwear and another one about getting a DUI. Ricky Morton takes over. “He could look a bull’s butt and tell you the price of butter.” wut. Arn’s “gettin’ the heebie-jeebies.” Robert Gibson does not talk, as usual.

The Heavenly Bodies and Jim Cornette have recruited Bobby Eaton. Stan Lane talks about money and pride. Dr. Tom Prichard repeats Lane’s line about never losing a street fight in their lives. Cornette does a Cornette promo. Bobby Eaton stands around looking mildly annoyed, smacking gum.

Bodies and Eaton and Cornette out first and Cornette takes the mic to rile up the hillbillies. The Stud Stable and Dutch are out second and Shoo Baby runs off the other team. Stud Stable use Black Crowes’ cover of “Hard to Handle” for music. Arn and the Rock n’ Rolls use Seger’s worst song. The ladies in Pikeville are horny for the Rock n’ Rolls.

Anyway, let’s try to track this with bullet points.

  • They are all fighting.
  • Lane hits Morton with a trash can lid.
  • Mantel and Prichard fight in the ring as Fuller stands around, and then Lane comes in and goes after Fuller. Mantel takes the trash can lid. Fuller takes the trash can lid.
  • Golden punches Eaton in the face at ringside.
  • Prichard hits Fuller with a chair before Golden steps in.
  • Russell: “Stan Lane after Rick Morton, now he goes back, probably for a machine gun or somethin’ — did you ever see anything like this goin’ on in this match?!”
  • Anderson has a bit of wood and he’s hitting various people. Morton cracks Eaton with a chair.
  • Arn eats Lane’s trash can lid.
  • Prichard and Mantel fight at ringside.
  • “No way to call what all is happening!” I feel you, Lance.
  • Bobby Eaton has emerged from backstage “with a tire wrapped around him!”
  • Lane has a stick and chokes Gibson with it.
  • Mantel hits Prichard with a trash can a couple times.
  • Ah, yep, there’s Bobby Eaton, indeed with a fucking tire wrapped around him.
  • Everyone is fighting in the ring. Eaton still has a tire around his head and under his shoulder.
  • Stan Lane loves that trash can lid.
  • Arn chases Cornette, who throws a trash can and Arn swipes it away.
  • Eaton hangs Gibson over the top rope.
  • Les Thatcher reports that Prichard is bleeding first of everyone.
  • Everyone’s in the ring brawling in their street outfits. We have a wide shot so nothing in particular can really be seen enough to get you excited.
  • Mantel puts a bucket on Eaton’s head.
  • Hey a quick shot of Jimmy Golden being choked with a chair.
  • “Morton is bleeding. Lane is bleeding. Prichard is bleeding.” Thatcher is on JUICE WATCH.
  • Hey, Eaton got the fucking tire off, and there it is, rolling around the ring.
  • Just when you think Eaton has regained some dignity, he loses his pants and his whole ass comes out.
  • Arn Anderson takes his shirt the fuck off.
  • Morton loses his shirt at the hands of Robert Fuller.
  • Eaton has reportedly again left. We’ll see if he comes back with dildoes stapled to his face.
  • Wait, no, Eaton is climbing up the backboard support of a basketball hoop.
  • More fighting. Cornette comes in and Mantel chokes him with Shoo Baby. Lance is excited. Prichard makes the save.
  • Someone tried to cover Dutch, I think Prichard.
  • Robert Fuller gets a chair and hits Gibson, or tries, Gibson blocks. This is not a folding chair, it’s a kindergarten class chair. The R&Rs double on Fuller. A chair shot and Fuller is pinned and The Stud Sable & Mantel are eliminated. They get some licks in before they leave.
  • Eaton, who has returned, climbs the ropes and gets launched by Lane into a splash on Morton for two. Lane launches Prichard onto Morton and Gibson breaks the pin.
  • Arn Anderson comes in with a fire extinguisher and now we can’t see a damn thing for a minute.
  • Anderson DDTs Lane. Anderson DDTs Prichard. Anderson DDTs Eaton.
  • Prichard is whipped into a table. Eaton is whipped into a table. Lane is whipped into a table.
  • Morton throws Cornette into the ring. Cornette gets whipped into a table. Gibson puts Cornette in the figure four until Prichard breaks it with a flying … loaded boot. And that gives Prichard the pin, so the Heavenly Bodies win.

Rating: NR? I don’t know what to do with this, it’s just total chaos throughout and nothing you can follow. But it’s plenty amusing and by far the second-best thing on the show, following the DWB-Smothers chain match. You’ve got a whole lot of star power, relatively speaking, and a lot of talented old school type wrestlers, most of them past their peaks — I guess really everyone but Prichard — but still know how to hit each other with shit and bleed and keep a crowd fired up for something goofy. If you like senseless ECW bullshit there’s no reason you wouldn’t like this other than a hatred of Southern accents or whatever.