Battlarts, Tokyo, Japan
This is a request via Ko-fi. I was saying on Twitter that I hate Bob Backlund, by which I mean I hate the wrestling matches of Bob Backlund, but former IWA Mid-South champion Mark Wolf gave me $3 to watch this fuckin’ thing and I love weird shit way more than I hate Bob Backlund, so.
Sasuke comes to the ring smoking a cigar and drinking a tallboy. It is awesome. Sasuke busts the can on his head like the Sandman. Well, close enough to Sandman anyway. He doesn’t know how to do it but Sandman is a professional at cracking cans on his forehead, so it’s unfair to expect him to be in that league.
Sasuke races across the ring and unloads punches and kicks to Backlund. Backlund off the ropes, he stops well short but “eats” a dropkick and falls out of the ring. Sasuke clears the top rope and flies onto Backlund, who doesn’t catch him.
Clipping. Sasuke kicks Backlund in the nuts inside the ring, then mounts and pummels him from behind with a foreign object. Sasuke with punches to the chest. Backlund trying to get away, but Sasuke keeps pounding on his head. More shots to the head and Sasuke goes for an arm.
Backlund with his “WHOA WHOA WHOA!” selling and hangs his feet on the rope, then falls to the floor. Clipping. Backlund with an atomic drop. Backlund with another atomic drop, this one held up for a long time and run across the ring. Sasuke rolls around holding his ass.
Backlund drops Sasuke’s dick on the top rope, then forearms him down to the floor. Backlund hits a second guy. Sasuke out in the crowd sitting on a chair as Backlund staggers around the ring.
Hey, Sasuke is … going somewhere. Now he’s coming back. He’s back in and charges at Backlund with shots to the gut. WHOA WHOA WHOA. Snapmare from Sasuke, then he grabs an arm for a submission. I do not know the names of all these holds anymore. Ask me 16 years ago when I was deeply invested in MMA instead of now when I steal UFC streams sometimes and cackle as the people punch each other in the face, spitting white cheddar popcorn on my fat fucking gut in glee.
Anyway the hold stays on a while until Backlund finally rolls Sasuke back and then shows off his strength by deadlifting Sasuke off the mat. But Sasuke holds on and rolls it back over. We repeat the deadlift spot and ol’ Bob drops Sasuke onto the top turnbuckle in the corner. Sasuke with a flying dropkick, WHOA WHOA, Backlund falls out to the floor.
Sasuke Special! Backlund again doesn’t come anywhere close to catching Sasuke. Backlund gets whipped into the ringpost, whoa whoa whoa. Sasuke with a series of Martial Arts Kicks. The count is on and at 14. Sasuke with a kick from the apron.
Back into the ring before the count. Sasuke spike Backlund, climbs up top, and misses a backwards 450. Backlund gets the crossface chicken wing! It’s over!
Rating: NR. I can’t really rate anything this clipped up but it was a fun watch, certainly better than the interminable Hart-Backlund match of Survivor Series ’94. My favorite Backlund matches have been weird shit in Japan, actually. The weirder Backlund stuff gets, the more I enjoy it. The more basic it is, the quicker I get fuck off bored, even when it involves Bret Hart.
Tape Machines Are Rolling 
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