TNA iMPACT, Orlando, FL
A request! I was probably supposed to get to this right about a month ago but that was The Busy Times. So I didn’t. But I am doing it now. I apologize for the delay.
I wasn’t watching wrestling much in 2007 and I really wasn’t watching TNA, keeping even less tabs on them than I did WWE. My TNA fandom really peaked in 2003-04, so when people are ga-ga over this era of TNA, it just seems so bizarre to me. I can think about it logically for two seconds and realize that’s my issue, not theirs, but still.
This is a “Silent Night, Deadly Night” match.
(Requests open and tips always appreciated!)
Oh, God, this was a Father Jim Mitchell period. He was out here calling Abyss CHRIS. Chris’ (!) mother shot his father in the BACK! Then Judas Mesias was there. Anyway, now the match.
One thing about Rellik you gotta know is that it’s Killer spelled backwards. This is the most knowledge I have of Rellik, that bit there. Otherwise, hi, it’s my first Rellik match. Rellik is Johnny “The Bull” Stamboli, whose most memorable moment for me personally, to this point in time, came when he tore his urethra in a match with Terry Funk in 2000. Which at whatever point this year will be 24 years ago. That is a very long time. I mean, fuck, this match is over 16 years ago now.
Rellik is from the Depths of Hell. He is psychically connected or whatever to Black Reign, which is Dustin Rhodes in what is inarguably the darkest period of his real, actual life, something he doesn’t even want to remember. He was out of shape, had gotten fired from WWE, and his personal life was a mess. I don’t want to make light of it, really. It was a bad wrestling character, but it was a lot more than that in a real sense.
Shark Boy is here in a neck brace and various other tape — thigh, elbow, abdomen over singlet. One time Shark Boy was a surprise at an IWA Mid-South show I was at, replacing someone who wasn’t able to make it. He really got the what’s for from the crowd, including me, who stood the FUCK up and walked the HELL out of the room, returning toward the end, at which time I got to see Shark Boy being, like, “Damn, people here really did not care for me.”
I’ve felt mildly bad about that for a long time, but more than bad just like such a fucking doofus cunt of an early twentysomething. Man, I really fuckin’ showed Shark Boy! He wasn’t good enough for me and my evolved tastes, sitting there believing Jimmy Jacobs was some genius.
Abyss beats up Black Reign outside while Rellik, which is killer spelled backwards, spits some red mist at nothing and then unwraps a golf club to use as a weapon. Christmas, see. Shark Boy hits him with the golf club a couple times. His golf swing could use some work. There’s a barbed wire Christmas tree hanging from the ceiling, hovering a few inches over the canvas.
Rellik does a DEATH KICK. It connects but does not kill Abyss, so not as advertised. Black Reign and Rellik beat up Abyss to head into the commercial. Upon return, Shark Boy is kicking ass and Abyss is nowhere to be found. Black Reign hits the “Blackout,” which is a pedigree, basically.
HERE COMES ABYSS! There’s his double clothesline! Hey alright he’s got a barbed wire baseball bat now. Don has called two weapons “wicked” so far. The bat gets used on Reign and Rellik. And now, thousands and thousands of tacks! That’s Don’s estimation. I think he’s shooting extremely high, but he’s the professional. And now a bag of glass shards!
You can see Dustin trying out there, but he’s slow, lumbering, and just not in it. He gets stuck with the barbed wire Christmas tree, which we now learn was hanging from the ceiling so that it could be swung into someone. Father Jim comes down and interrupts the proceedings, then the lights go out and Judas Mesias is there to smack Abyss’ face into the tacks.
After that, Rellik hits the Demon Driver on Shark Boy and wins the match.
Pure gimmick match on a gimmick episode of the weekly TV. There’s no real point or purpose to the action, no thought put into basically anything, just some stuff happening for a little under seven minutes. Nobody looks particularly good or does anything particularly memorable until Judas attacks Abyss. The rest is just some guys going from thing to thing.
But it’s not long and it’s not boring, so there you go.
Tape Machines Are Rolling 