Royal Rumble Match (WWF, 1-15-1989)

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WWF Royal Rumble, Houston, TX

A request! The first Royal Rumble match to air on PPV, as it became the last of the WWF’s original Big Four PPV shows following the debuts of WrestleMania (1985), Survivor Series (1987), and SummerSlam (1988). The first Rumble does pre-date the first SummerSlam, but aired on USA Network to take a further shit on Crockett’s Bunkhouse Stampede PPV.

It’s also the first 30-man Rumble, as the inaugural ’88 edition featured 20 men, and was won by Hacksaw Jim Duggan, featuring entirely midcard (however popular or whatever) wrestlers.

(Requests open and tips always appreciated!)

This show also features a Harley Race vs Haku match, Harley’s final WWF match, which is pretty good and cool if your tastes run similar to mine in that particular way. Always a weird thing to figure, at least to me, because my wrestling tastes really are quite varied, but also increasingly specific, if that makes sense, which it may not, and it’s OK if it doesn’t. I have less time for an Okada match than ever before, which is not to say I don’t think he’s great, and far more time to dig into the career of Ron Garvin, which is not to say I think he’s better than Okada.

Anyway, the Rumble! Getting battle royal/Rumble requests makes me believe people enjoy the format I do these, and I appreciate that, because I also enjoy doing these more and more.

  • We’ve got Gorilla and Jesse on the call, the GOAT Gorilla team and probably my personal favorite team ever.
  • No. 1 is Ax, co-holder of the WWF tag team title.
  • No. 2 is … Smash. Oh my God.

  • In all sincerity, I do remember thinking this was very cool. Still do.
  • Listen, they may be partners, but this is the Royal Rumble. No WrestleMania title shot on the line, so it’s about prestige. And money. Going to the pay window. So they get right at it. Just simple brawling, as you’d imagine, but Smash slams Ax.
  • Gorilla figures whoever gets No. 3 is probably in a world of trouble, what with him running right into the tag champs. Jesse reckons this could lead to future hostility between Demolition, too. (It never did.)
  • We get a quick lesson on going over the top but not falling to the floor when Ax tries to dump Smash. Mostly Smash has gotten the better of this.
  • No. 3 is Andre the Giant! Well, that’s a guy who might do OK against two dudes. Gorilla subtly shits on Andre being slow as hell at this point, totally cooked, God bless him and his shitting tub. Ax and Smash realize Andre’s coming in before he gets there, so they stop fighting and double up on Andre, who at this point can’t physically do much of anything so it’s good he gets on the floor ASAP. But that also means he has to get up, which is a process. Once he’s up, he fights them both off pretty easily, at least for a moment.
  • No. 4 is Mr. Perfect, still in blue trunks, no singlet yet. He takes his time, too. Perfect nails Smash, goes right after Andre who is fucking back on Ax in the corner.
  • Andre tosses Smash! Perfect trying to power Andre over by himself, Ax figures he should help, but they fail. As Jesse predicted, everyone’s pretty much gonna focus on Andre, at least to get him down if not out.
  • Perfect takes a show-y whip to the turnbuckles from Ax, because he is Curt Hennig and that is what Curt Hennig does. Then he bumps wacky for an Andre headbutt, which gets a big reaction.
  • No. 5 is Ronnie Garvin, who is rugged. He’s right after Andre, nailing him with a single shot that drops the big man and finds Andre tied up in the ropes like he loves to be, the sex pervert. While he can’t do fuck all offensively there, it also means he’s stuck and they aren’t gonna get him up and over.
  • Gorilla and Jesse both agree that they are glad they were never in a Royal Rumble, though Jesse reckons he would have probably won it.
  • Perfect just going banana in here to make every time Andre touches him look absurd and devastating. A master.
  • Hennig and Garvin trade chops, remembering when they worked places where physical wrestling mattered.
  • Speaking of, No. 6 is Greg Valentine. He joins the triple-team on Andre to make it a quadruple-team on Andre. But Andre’s just whacking away every time he gets a half-foot of space, and then he hiplocks Garvin over and out!
  • There is concern that Ax must be out of gas by now. Probably. It has been an entire 10 minutes.
  • Andre chokes Valentine, then chokes Ax. Hennig pulls the giant’s hair and tries to punch him, but now he gets choked.
  • No. 7 is Jake Roberts, the first guy to get a babyface pop. Garvin’s a babyface but nobody cared. Jake runs right into Andre’s choking. Valentine trying to do work on Andre from behind, but Andre basically ignoring him.

  • You must remember that Andre and Jake had done their famous “Andre is afraid of snakes” bit already, so Andre really hates Jake.
  • No. 8 is Ron Bass, the Outlaw himself! He is bald from Brutus Beefcake.
  • Andre dumps Jake. Jake did nothing in this match other than jog in, get choked, get stepped on, get choked a different way, and get eliminated. That’s a payday, brother. Valentine gets Jake’s spot as guy getting choked by Andre, while Bass works over Ax and Perfect keeps annoying Andre by making him pay attention to his surroundings.
  • Ron Bass was a good wrestler, man. Crazy underrated. Not saying he had a bunch of 8-star matches or whatever, just a good wrestler.
  • No. 9 is Shawn Michaels, who gets a squealing pop. Honestly, it just hit me, the further removed from the period we get, the weirder it seems to me that Rocker Shawn Michaels was the same Shawn Michaels as 90s singles star Shawn Michaels, let alone 2000s second career Shawn Michaels. The periods of his career have gotten really compartmentalized for me. I lived and was watching through all of it, but each stage of his active career keeps getting more and more separated from the others in my head. I may not be wording this right but that is OK, it is a blog I don’t pay money for yet. I say “yet” because eventually I’ll run out of space for the PNGs and shit and will have to, because I am an idiot.
  • Ax takes a big swing at Perfect, but gets backdropped out. The Demolitions are both toast!
  • Perfect and Shawn pair off, Shawn gets to skin the cat. Terrible name for that maneuver. We should call it something else. Perfect also teases an elimination, and all dramatic-like. Basically these two guys are trying to get some space to show off, as they should, while Andre chokes Bass and the Hammer hangs out for a moment before punching Michaels in the face, which he should.
  • No. 10 is Bushwhacker Butch! “This place has gone bananas here, they’ve got to their feet for Butch!” Gorilla exaggerates.
  • Moments later, they DO go bananas for Jake Roberts returning with his snake bag, and Andre eliminates himself so that he doesn’t have to be eliminated by anyone else. Andre doesn’t even care, he just wants the fuck away from Damian.
  • Michaels and Hennig continue to hop around and whatnot.
  • No. 11 is Honky Tonk Man. The crowd do not like this man. Mr. Perfect is taking it to Ol’ Honk immediately. Bass breaks that up, then Honk goes over to get after Michaels, someone who will make him look good.
  • The future Rhythm N’ Blues try to get Michaels out, but fail.
  • No. 12 is Tito Santana! Tito’s on fire for a moment until Bass cuts him off, which has to happen.
  • Gorilla can’t remember if that’s Butch or Luke so he just says “Bushwhacker.” Michaels takes a big backdrop from Bass, who is having a good showing here.
  • Valentine and Santana renew their old rivalry, which neither Gorilla nor Jesse really mention because you weren’t really supposed to do that back then. Gorilla does very vaguely allude to it, kinda, maybe, and even that might have been an accident.
  • No. 13 is Bad News Brown. Well, we know he sucks shit at Survivor Series, but the Rumble seems up his alley. He doesn’t give a “F” about nothin’!
  • Honky gets eliminated by Bushwhacker Butch and Bushwhacker Tito. Santana then goes back to Valentine. Bad News and Bass get at one another, then Bad News goes after Shawn, only for Bass to start punching him again. Those boys are having a good time.
  • No. 14 is Marty Jannetty, just as the focus is on Shawn getting his ass kicked by Bad News! Bass cuts Marty off at the pass. The hosses are saying “no” to The Rockers, but the Rockers double-team Bass, he can’t fight them both off. Well he could in real life, but. They hit a double dropkick and Bass is gone!
  • The Rockers and Butch are really controlling things now. Tito nails Valentine with the flying burrito then tries to eliminate him. “The Bushwhacker” comes over, Gorilla notes, but Valentine survives by going to Santana’s eyes.
  • No. 15, halfway home, is the reigning WWF champion, Randy Savage! Big reaction. Sunglasses on, bandana on, he’s in and he’s RIGHT ON BAD NEWS’ ASS. He hadn’t made his heel turn en route to WrestleMania yet. Easy to forget that whole Savage vs Hogan story came together in short order, Mania was on April 2 and it’s already January 15 here.
  • Mr. Perfect has really been a standout here. Ventura notes how long he’s been in, but he’s also really embracing the concept of fighting anyone and also helping anyone trying for an elimination on anyone else.
  • Savage and Perfect hook it up a bit. Many years later, after Hennig’s death, Savage did a very bad but heartfelt Rap Song about Hennig. “We’ve gotcher back, buddy system style.”
  • No. 16 is Arn Anderson, and it still feels weird to me to this day that Arn Anderson was ever actually in the WWF. He and Tully were really, really good in “New York,” but they still just didn’t quite fit. Same as Tony Schiavone’s stint. I actually thought Schiavone did terrific work, but it never sounded right. Trying to think of other examples that just never felt correct in any place. I think Harley Race, in his waning years as it were, fit the WWF OK enough and did a fine job, even if he wasn’t ideal for the gig. Davey Boy Smith in WCW never felt right to me, either stint. There are lots of things that might seem obvious (Sabu anywhere but ECW or maybe TNA in the States, Sandman in WCW or WWE), but those I just sort of shrug off as weird. But Arn in the WWF and some other examples look and is truly odd, a different level of that feeling. Waltman in WCW, too, a little bit.
  • Arn quickly eats a superkick from Michaels, but gets his bacon saved by Savage, and the two of them team up to eliminate Michaels.
  • Jannetty goes after Arn. That youngster’s on fire! Ventura notes that Marty “lost his partner,” and Gorilla says, “There are no partners, Jess,” but Ventura chalks this up to marketing. “Well, that’s what it says, but you know better than that, and so do I.” This is why they were an all-time team. It sounds like an actual conversation, or as close to that as wrestling commentators can get.
  • Arn, being a dummy, climbs to the top rope, forgetting where he is. He gets crotched up top by Jannetty, but not eliminated, lucky for him.
  • No. 17 is Tully Blanchard. Tully and Hennig go at it. Quick check: best I can tell, wow, this was the only time Tully and Hennig were ever in the ring together. I was checking to see if maybe they’d crossed paths in a singles match along the way, but no, not that and nothing else other than this moment in time here.
  • Bad News and Macho stay on one another, as they’ve been in the midst of a sort of B-plus-level top feud. They get separated and Tito fights with Brown, Savage with Hennig. Meanwhile, Brain Busters team on Marty, and Arn hits the spinebuster. Butch is at large.
  • Arn and Tully get Jannetty close to out, really scrapping and finding any angle they can. Eventually, even though Butch gets Arn off, Tully manages to wrestle Jannetty over to the floor, so Marty’s gone as the buzzer sounds.
  • No. 18 is Hulk Hogan. He tosses Perfect immediately. Drops Arn, drops Tully, double noggin knocker! Goes after Brown with right hands and his shitty left-handed chop. Hogan trying to get Brown up to eliminate him, but Brown goes dead weight heavy and grabs a front facelock. Bad News had this incredible way of making himself seem super heavy by refusing to take very many bumps or get picked up too often. His gut helped that, too, of course, but he just gave the impression that he was really densely-built, some people are like that, they can win a fair amount of prizes at the carnival weight guessing game. On the other hand, I had an uncle I saw do that game once. He was older by then, so he had an older guy’s golf-and-gin belly, but the carny was not very close on his guess. My uncle confided in me after that they never get it, because they didn’t look at how skinny his legs were; they always guessed high because their attention went to his belly, which wasn’t huge or anything, but noticeable by that point.
  • Having discovered Bad News’ unwillingness to be picked up, Hogan puts a knee into his throat.
  • Mostly off-camera, Tito Santana gets eliminated, I think by Savage.
  • Pairings: Hogan and Bad News, Macho and Tully, Arn and The Bushwhacker. Gorilla just has no idea which one that is.
  • Bad News gets Hogan up in the corner, and Tully sprints over to help, then Arn. Monsoon, shit-stirrer that he is, is really excited to point out that Savage isn’t running over to help Hogan, after spending the whole match otherwise noting that there are no partners in this thing. Ventura points out that Savage is legitimately caught up battling Luke Butch. This is the sort of thing, and Gorilla had loads of it over the years, that makes me get half an idea to spend time writing “The Hogan Rules,” where I break down all the ways that everyone changed their established attitude if poor, dear, wonderful Hulk Hogan might become any level of inconvenienced by something that would be brushed off involving anyone else, but I won’t. (Also, don’t try to pay me for that, it would take way too much time and there’s not a reasonable amount of money that would get me to sincerely dedicate the energy. If it ever happens it will be entirely on a whim.)
  • Gorilla also gets to note that Hogan got out of the trouble ALL BY HIMSEWF, isn’t that great of him! So brave, the Hulkster!
  • No. 19 is The Other Bushwhacker (Luke). You’d think Monsoon didn’t want to remember which was which.
  • Butch gets tossed by Brown and Hogan. The Mega Powers go after Bad News. Arn helps Bad News, then pairs off with Hogan, against whom Arn is 2-0 lifetime in singles matches. Savage and Bad News continue to war. Hogan presses Tully, then just haphazardly tosses him at the ropes, what the hell, why not?

  • Bushwhacker Luke is KICKING SOME HOGAN ASS, the veteran is teaching this youngster a thing or two about protecting your colleagues, and then Tully gets in there with him. (Hogan obviously beats them both up and hits a big foot on Arn, too.)
  • No. 20 is Koko B. Ware, and the initial burst on Koko’s pop is right there with Savage and Jake, if not quite Hogan level, though also not as far off as you might think. Honestly, this isn’t the best crowd, though it’s not terrible or anything. But also the concept is, again, still pretty new, so maybe people are just watching it develop and figuring it out as they go, too.
  • Arn, dummy, goes up top again and gets slammed off by Hogan. One of the tactically stupidest nights of Arn Anderson’s career. But he’s still in there, so it could be worse.
  • Hogan dumps Koko out, so Koko doesn’t get much of a run. Luke and the Brain Busters are sick of Hogan. But Hogan dumps Luke. Brain Busters stay on Hulk while Bad News works Savage over.
  • No. 21 is Warlord of the Powers of Pain. Before the big weirdo can get down there, Hogan eliminates Arn and Tully at the same time.
  • As Warlord hits the apron, he turns to pose for the crowd, then steps into the ring, and is clotheslined out by Hogan, who then goes right over and dumps both Bad News and his Mega Power buddy Randy Macho. Hogan is all alone, but Savage is pissed, racing back into the ring and getting right in Hogan’s face. Hogan “calls a timeout” and whines, so Miss Elizabeth gets in there to break it up, asking Randy to “stop it, what’s wrong with you?”
  • Monsoon: “Hulk didn’t do anything deliberate! If the Macho Man had held onto the ropes, he’d still be in there!” Jesus, Gorilla, have some dignity. Ventura’s not buying it. This is another thing I prefer about Ventura compared to Bobby in these years. Bobby was right about Hogan, but more cartoon about it. Ventura is just plainly right and telling you what’s obvious, but you don’t want to hear it.
  • Eventually Savage offers a handshake and a hug, and Hogan obliges. The buzzer goes off while Savage and Elizabeth are still in the ring.
  • No. 22 is Big Boss Man, Hogan’s current main rival. Savage shakes Hogan’s hand again and leaves the ring.
  • So we’ve got two minutes of Hogan vs Boss Man. Hogan lands the big rights, a clothesline, drops a few elbows. Fucks Boss Man’s face a little. Scoop slams the big child. But Boss Man turns it around and hits a nasty piledriver.

  • Ventura says Boss Man is beating Hogan up one-on-one. Gorilla, like a child defending his father’s shortcomings, counters that the Hulkster “has been out there a half-hour!” Ventura replies, “Oh, he has not, he got out there about five minutes ago.” Hogan has in fact been in for about eight or nine minutes when they have this exchange.
  • No. 23 is Akeem, who is for some reason the Boss Man’s best friend. Ventura thinks this is DiBiase having bought a higher number and getting Boss Man and Akeem in back-to-back, I assume DiBiase is a wizard and knew Hogan would be in by now, and also nobody else would be in there. Gorilla is sure there’s “no way” you could get these two numbers together, even though the match started with both Demolition members. But that didn’t put Hulk Hogan, his dad, in any peril.
  • Anyway, the so-called “Twin Towers” double-team Hogan … and eliminate him. Hogan, eliminated fair and square, pulls Boss Man over the top from the floor. That doesn’t eliminate him, though.
  • No. 24 is Hogan’s imbecile friend, Brutus Beefcake. Beefer helps Hogan at least not get his ass kicked so bad anymore. Hogan low-bridges Boss Man and brawls up the aisle with him. Ventura notes that Hogan is a shithead loser, and Monsoon says, “Yeah. So what?” because it’s the Royal Rumble and anything can happen. Monsoon’s inconsistency was truly fantastic, and Ventura always being enraged by it ruled.
  • Anyway, Hogan fights Boss Man to the back, so Boss Man doesn’t have to actually get eliminated. He gets his ass kicked by Hogan, yes, but it’s Hogan, the guy he eliminated from the Rumble.
  • So in the ring, we’ve got Akeem and Beefcake. They do some Great Acting.

  • Don’t worry, Bruti! Help is on the way! No. 25 is The Red Rooster. He fares poorly head-up against Akeem, but it gives Beefer a chance for a double axhandle, and now the barber and the human chicken are teaming up on the big man.
  • “Akeem” was a weird thing because from the jump on the introduction they had Mean Gene tell Slick, “Bitch, that is the One Man Gang, kiss my ass,” but he also wasn’t treated as comedy or anything. The whole thing was treated as a weird ass dude with delusions or deep internal confusion or some shit, but he was still a big menace in the ring, same as ever. Honestly, it was probably more actually convincing than Carolina George pretending to be a Chicago street tough, especially when he spoked.
  • Gorilla and Jesse start naming people who will be among the last five entrants. Ted DiBiase, Barbarian, Hercules, Big John Studd.
  • Akeem continues to get beaten up by Beefcake and Rooster. As the count winds down they again fail to eliminate him.
  • No. 26 is Barbarian. An idiot, Barbarian decides to not help them eliminate the gigantic guy, and instead saves Akeem’s bacon for no particular reason.

  • Monsoon calls Red Rooster a little wimp by pointing out that he’s pretty tiny compared to everyone else in there. “Just too much poundage for him.” Akeem splashes the Rooster.
  • No. 27 is Big John Studd, who legitimately hasn’t wrestled since 1986, and the crowd don’t really know what their reaction to him is supposed to be. He’d made clear he would not be going back with Bobby Heenan, so he’s meant to be a babyface. Honestly, it might be that they don’t know if they care.
  • Studd chucks Rooster out of his way and goes after Akeem, who fights back. Big John is throwing with some fire, no question about that. These big boys are roughhousing.
  • Rooster gets drilled again, this time by Barbarian. Beefcake wants to help Studd, but Studd doesn’t care about Bruti so he knocks him out of the way, too. Studd’s here to work with Akeem and nobody else.
  • No. 28 is Hercules. “Lookat Herc go to work.” He’s rappin’ Monsoon and he’s here to say / He loves these wrestlers in a major way!
  • Boy, a lot of this is pretty good, but here’s a section where they learned (or should have) the sort of thing to avoid in a Rumble. You can’t have a ring full of Akeem, Studd, Barbarian, Beefer, Rooster, and Hercules after like an hour and expect people to actively care.
  • Bless Akeem and Studd, they are still doing exactly what they’ve been doing. Herc makes the mistake of approaching Studd, who turns around and clobbers him, too. Studd has NO DESIRE to do ANYTHING with ANYONE other than Akeem.
  • No. 29 is Rick Martel, a Strike Forcer. Martel approaches Studd, Studd says no.
  • So Martel pairs up with the Rooster, someone who can and will do anything with him. Studd and Akeem lean in the corner, while Beefcake and Hercules fail to eliminate Barbarian. Everyone just standing in corners and grunting.
  • No. 30 is Ted DiBiase, who has bought his number, having been really upset at the number we saw him draw. DiBiase takes his time, and here he comes to punch Hercules, then Rooster. This is it. One of the guys in there will win.
  • Virgil lingers ringside, though managers are banned. Ventura argues that the rules stipulate very clearly that managers are banned, Virgil is not a manager, he’s a bodyguard.
  • DiBiase dumps the Rooster, but then starts getting his ass whipped by Hercules. Don’t worry, though, that being interesting won’t last long, they’ll go do some choking in the corner. Relax!
  • HOLY COW Studd has paired up with Barbarian now, finding another guy to lightly touch and lean against. DiBiase saves Akeem from the advances of Rick Martel. Beefer jumps on Herc with a sleephold. DiBiase and Barbarian double up to throw both of them out at the same time.
  • Barbarian up top and lands the diving headbutt to Martel, but misses a clothesline and gets dropkicked and pushed out.
  • FINAL FOUR: Akeem, Studd, Martel, and DiBiase!
  • Martel and DiBiase decide to be exciting for three seconds but don’t worry John Studd is here to smoosh someone in the corner (DiBiase). Martel firing away with dropkicks on Akeem, but gets caught trying a running crossbody and Akeem throws him out.
  • So we’ve got DiBiase and Akeem doubling up on Studd. DiBiase now coordinating Akeem’s offense, but it backfires when Akeem smooshes ’em both in the corner. Studd knocks Akeem over the top, and it’s down to DiBiase and Studd.
  • DiBiase offers to give Studd money. Studd does not want money. He wants to punch! Scoop slam and Studd is dominating DiBiase. Double arm suplay from Studd! Gorilla and Jess have never seen Studd do that. “Gutwrench suplex” follows. Clothesline. DiBiase bumps like a motherfucker on it. Just as Jesse says not to count DiBiase out “because he’s a darn good wrestler,” Studd just hurls him out and wins the Rumble.
  • Virgil comes in to attack from behind, but that does nothing, Studd just kicks his ass all over the ring.

It’s a Rumble in the infancy stage of the idea. Some of it is really good, the concept is a hoot of course, and some of it is stuff they’d, again, learn to try to avoid in the future. The closing run after Hogan gets eliminated has moments but is overall a little tedious.

3/5

One thought on “Royal Rumble Match (WWF, 1-15-1989)”

  1. My all-time favourite Jesse Ventura loses it at the face commentator moment takes place at SummerSlam ’89, during the Ultimate Warrior/Rick Rude IC Title match. Jesse absolutely blisters Tony Schiavone at one point that I bet you already know.

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