WWE Monday Night Raw, Austin, TX
A request! John Cena had recently selected Daniel Bryan as his opponent for SummerSlam, and this episode of Raw opens with a contract signing for SummerSlam. GM Brad Maddox is not a big fan! So then John Cena defends Daniel Bryan even though Daniel Bryan is small and wimpy. Dunno if you noticed, he has a beard! It wasn’t that long ago that having a beard was an utterly fascinating physical trait to people who worked in the WWE office. Daniel Bryan in 2013 might as well have had a big fucken unicorn horn for as wild as they found having that beard.
(Requests open and tips always appreciated!)
Anyway, Brad Maddox says:
“That’s why I’m going to give you an opportunity (1), Daniel Bryan. I’m going to give you an opportunity (2) to prove your critics wrong and prove that you deserve this opportunity (3), and what better way to prove yourself but by having a match here tonight?”
Not a match — matches.
The request called this a gauntlet but it’s not called that, though it is, kinda? They aren’t announced at any point beforehand. No clue if matches means two or three or eight, but given they’re going on in the main event slot, probably not eight!
So I wasn’t sure what to do here for organizational purposes; it’s really three separate matches, so do I do a post for each one? But the idea is all tied together back-to-back-to-back, like a gauntlet indeed, so one post, and that’s the title, because it’s also not a handicap match, which “Daniel Bryan vs Jack Swagger, Antonio Cesaro, and Ryback” might make one believe.
What I eventually settled on was “who gives a shit” and I will list them separately on the match archive page, all linking to the same thing.
Daniel Bryan vs Jack Swagger
Why this fella is a former world heavyweight champion, and he’s got Zeb Colter and Antonio Cesaro in his corner. They’re The Real Americans, and boy what a response they’re getting. Zeb shouts some shit about Stephen F. Austin that nobody cares about.
Bryan throws right hands when Swagger gets him to the corner, but Swagger catches a kick and tries to bull him into another corner, Bryan rolls him up for two. Swagger takes the knee out with a low tackle, then a shoulderblock puts the rising Bryan right back down. We the people, we the people, etc. Eventually people would yell with this. They didn’t actually care about any of these guys, but people do like to yell a catchphrase.
Vertical suplay from Swagger as an “OU sucks” chant goes up. Bryan catches Swagger with a dropkick, then goes for a tope suicida but runs into a Swagger forearm as he gets to the ropes. Swagger Bomb hits back inside! More “OU sucks” chanting. We the people. Bryan grabs the arm, takes Swagger down into the Yes Lock, and Swagger taps out in about three minutes. I mean, it’s a three-minute match and they do nothing interesting with it. 2/5
Daniel Bryan vs Antonio Cesaro
Cesaro steps right in as they’re going to commercial, and when the show returns, Ol’ Antonio has an armbar on. Jerry Lawler just finds beards to be unbelievable. Those and tattoos. The man just never could change being born in 1949 in Memphis when it came to those things. You know who had beards and tattoos? Hippies, bikers, and communists. Not civilized folks like (checks notes) Jerry Lawler.
Hmm.
Cesaro dominating here. Incredible that this is 10 years ago, honestly. Bryan gets Cesaro on the mat, belly down, and fishhooks the nostrils to pull Cesaro’s head back before stomping his knees into the canvas. Cesaro comes back with raw power and forces Bryan up in a suplay, then mounts and hammers down with right hands.
We the people. Short, measured, stylishly 80s elbowdrop from Cesaro. Now Cesaro grunting and making noise as he lines Bryan up … FOR A CHINLOCK! But it’s a good chinlock where it looks like he’s trying to do something, to be fair, because he’s a good wrestler who gives a shit.
Bryan comes back with a run of offense, big running boot in the corner, then the dropkick with Cesaro down in the corner, two count there. Bryan goes up top, but Colter distracts Mike Chioda and Swagger knocks Bryan off the top, giving Cesaro a two count as we go to the break.
Back from the break, after Raw has rolled on in the dark, and Bryan gets two on a sunset flip counter, but Cesaro double stomps him down right after for another two count. Deadlift gutwrench suplay from Cesaro gets another two. He is consistently trying to finish.
Bryan headbutts Cesaro during a shit-talk, and Lawler goes “goat! ahh! goat! ahh!” but Cesaro cuts off the Bryan rally and gets another two count. This is one of about 16 times they said, “OK, Tony C, go have yourself a great match on TV, and we’ll have the commentary really put over how awesome you are, and then it’s time for your push maybe!” and it wasn’t. It was never actually time for his push, not for more than a month or so.
Bryan comes back with a German suplay and a buzzsaw kick to the head, two count again. Cesaro going for a superplex, Bryan knocks him away, but Cesaro stays right on the attack and gets back up there. This time, Bryan slips through the legs, which just tickles his former King Hater, Michael Cole, and Cesaro gets crotched and then TIIIIIIIIIIED TO THE TREEAWOE! Kicks to the chest, then off to the other corner for the big running dropkick.
Bryan lifts Cesaro back to the top, and goes up for a back superplex, but Cesaro turns in mid-air and lands on top of Bryan with a crossbody for two. Now they’re at a standstill, and start trading shots. Cesaro wins the war of LIFTERS by going ambidextrous and relentless, just battering Bryan, then hitting him with a big short-arm lariat for TWO AGAIN.
In a different setting, that might end the match, just a flurry of desperate violence. But WWE ends on finishers, roll-ups, or DQs. Cesaro setting for the Neutralizer, but Bryan backdrops him out. More uppercuts, this time Bryan gets the better of it with forearms, and he just CLOBBERS Cesaro with his own flurry of violence, laying in vicious forearms with Cesaro down on the mat. Cesaro knocked to the floor, Bryan takes out both he and Swagger with a tope suicida.
Cesaro rolled back in, Bryan counters the pop-up uppercut with a rollup for three. See? Finishers or rollups or DQs. These two got about 20 here and just tore it up, escalating the ferocity and anguish of the encounter, and you can see genuine ROH/00s indie style in here toward the end, which may or may not have done them any favors with Mr. Vince. Bits of it did play a little listless, but for the most part this ruled. 4/5
Backstage, Alex Riley talks to Brad Maddox. These two are great actors, and this is great TV. Maddox suggests there is one more match as they go to break.
Daniel Bryan vs Ryback
The third guy is Dan’s friend, The Ryback, whom he bullied on a “Dinner for Three” that also included Dolph Ziggler. The bad news for Bryan is that Ryback is a big, strong man, physically imposing. The good news for Bryan is that he is just Ryback.
Bryan goes for the legs, as Ryback has had, as Michael Cole puts it, “a history of leg problems in recent weeks.” We are also pretending that any of Bryan’s fatigue is due to his three minutes with Jack Swagger, about 80 seconds of which were spent with Swagger staring at an “OU sucks” chant.
But the fatigue from Cesaro is plenty, and Ryback is dominating, and going relaly, really over the top on the Story, shouting, “You are a little man in a big man’s world” at Bryan. Bryan takes a hard, chest-first whip to the corner as the crowd chants “you can’t wrestle.” That’ll show The Ryback. His greatest dream in life is clearly to be Mike Quackenbush, but his huge, hulking body simply got in the way. Curses!
Ryback grabs a chinlock. Up from that and Bryan rolls into a half-crab on Ryback’s bad leg. Ryback great on the sell, screaming and grimacing with real pain. When he comes up with a back elbow after getting the ropes, he’s still hurting, and he doesn’t have much mobility, so it turns into him hovering over Bryan and bashing his skull into the canvas. Ope there’s a splash and a spine on the pine. And now his leg is fine. And now his watch has ended.
Ryback goes for a running clothesline, but runs right into a high knee to the mush. Ryback in the corner, running kick from Bryan, a second is met with Ryback lunging forward with a clothesline, draping an arm for two.
Ryback outside and producing a table from under the ring. Bryan dives onto him and knocks Ryback into the commentary desk, soaring over the table Ryback set up ringside. Ryback to his feet and shoves Bryan hard into the ring steps, now putting his attention back on that table. Ryback holding his chest from where he hit the desk.
Back into the ring, Bryan throwing kicks with both legs, back-and-forth. Ryback down to his knees, and Bryan just keeps unloading the kicks. Ryback catches a leg and goes for a power bomb, Bryan rolls him up for two. Bryan going for the Yes Lock, Ryback powers through and uses Bryan’s hair to get free.
But Bryan’s relentless nature is still there, and he’s continuing to just throw kicks and kicks and kicks. Missile dropkick from Bryan gets two! Yes Lock on in the middle of the ring! Ryback using his strength to get near the ropes, but Bryan cranks back as hard as he can. Ryback grunting and finally gets the bottom rope with his outstretched hand.
Ryback rolls out to the floor, Bryan tries a rana off the apron but just gets dumped to the floor, not even a power bomb. NOW there’s a power bomb, as Ryback puts Bryan through the table, and that is the DQ. Ryback wants to do more damage, but John Cena runs down to make the save, clearing Ryback out in short order. Cena challenges Ryback to a table match, I guess for next week or whatever.
I think the Ryback portion is about as good as the Cesaro section, not quite, but it’s really good. Bryan gets more out of The Ryback here than Punk did in two Hells in Cells combined, in part because Bryan’s just better than Punk, in part because this works better for what Ryback does well. He’s never SO TOTALLY DOMINANT on Bryan after the first minute or two, after that Bryan’s skill set proves pretty tough for the bigger, stronger, but also slower and more limited guy, and they work a lot with that. Bryan can’t make many mistakes with Ryback, but he also has several significant, real advantages. And the urgency of the end minutes of the Cesaro match spill right over into this one, which takes it up another notch, there’s no “feeling out” to get through. Bryan is beaten up and tired, Ryback is fresh, they have to start there.
The DQ ending is whatever, I don’t care about clean finishes, I’ll say it a million times because I realize this is somewhat unusual for a dork who spends time talking about wrestling in this manner. 3.5/5
Tape Machines Are Rolling 