I’m in a very cautious budgeting period of my normally reckless, freestyle way of life but I really wanted to watch this pay-per-view program live, so I went the crowdsourcing route via Ko-fi. It worked! And I actually did use the money to buy the show instead of sneaking away with it and stealing a pirate stream, which I do know how to do, despite everyone on the internet assuming you don’t know how if you suggest you’re willing to pay for something.
Also, I note nobody asked for any match reviews or anything, but I’d have a feeling of some type shame or the like if I didn’t do anything to even kinda feel like I’d earned this great payday, so I’m going to dust off the ol’ PPV-reviewing gloves and do a proper PPV review for the first time since probably, like, 2014.
This is a match review blog by design, but also it is a stupid fucking blog intermittently given attention by an aging idiot, so this will just exist. Who knows? Maybe more of this will happen. I do actually believe that there is value in how matches seem in the context of their entire show, but also in how matches seem in a vacuum. So in other words I have no opinion about reviewing wrestling other than most people should stop it. Not me, though.
Anyway, let’s go, motherfuckers.
Hook & Danhausen vs Tony Nese & Smart Mark Sterling
I enjoy the HOOK and Danhusen dynamic. And I like “Smart” Mark Sterling’s (manager years) Heenan-y ring gear. Dan Hausen curses Nese early, but Nese doesn’t play along. Danhausen does get to do some offense, and then Sterling does get cursed. Danhausen about to show us his very nice or very evil ass hole if he doesn’t get some new tights. Hook gets the big tag and Sterling runs off the apron, but Nese doesn’t want much to do with him, either. And doesn’t fare well.
Hook is the new suplex man. Hook ready to finish Sterling, but Danhausen wants the tag. This will backfire. It does not! Danhausen simply pins Sterling, Hook having done the damage. This was fine for the “Buy-In” match. People like Hook. People like Danhausen. They beat two guys who are mainly here to be beaten. I’m not doing star ratings. They’re fucking dumb. This was not designed to be a Good Match, and it served its purpose effectively. Wrestling star ratings are not like movie ratings. Motherfuckers will go, “This was fine for what it was, *1/2,” so it’s a 3/10? Despite achieving its goal? Dumb! Also wrestling is stupid. Rating: What it was meant to be, Hook can’t really work a match yet that we’ve seen but he is a hoot.
Wardlow vs MJF
The PPV opener! Lots of bullshit about MJF not showing up beforehand but I don’t really pay attention to “wrestling news” so I had only a vague awareness of it. Anyway, he showed up. Now he must face THE WARDLOW! I have never seen a human being who loves their own titties as much as Wardlow.
The scarf man has become a very good wrestler, folks. I hate to say it. He is doing Roddy Piper tributes, Ric Flair tributes, Larry Zbyszko tributes. And all of that is fine. He does it well, which largely incorporates not being afraid to look stupid, and being willing to over-act. This is the wrestling, not the gotdanged Cannes festival of films. And here, he tries to avoid confrontation, tries to sneak a fast win, tries to cheat and fails, tries to beg and make some sort of deal.
None of it works, because Wardlow has also become really good in natural, organic fashion. (Well, partially.) He plays the swaggering physical force extremely well, and here he gets to just destroy MJF once things are actually moving as a match. He does about 19 power bombs (this is a mild exaggeration), luxuriates in the whole ordeal, and sends MJF out on a stretcher. Then he gets his new, fake AEW contract. People chant “you deserve it” which kinda cheapens all real “you deserve it” chants but wrestling crowds only like to “play a part,” not think much about the part they’re playing. Rating: Fucking ruled. The Wardlow kicks ass.
The Hardys vs The Young Bucks
Now to move on to a feud that began in 2011, when Jeremy & Max Buck faced Eric Bischoff & Matt Hardy, setting off a rivalry that expand to NEW and House of Hardcore with Jeff Harvey replacing Bischoff. If I’m being honest, I probably saw the last Hardys-Bucks match I really ever needed to see in 2017, but we are in AEW now. And they’re all here. And what else are they doing?
I promise you the Bucks and Hardys had a handful of good matches between 2014 and 2017. This is not then, and it is not good. The Bucks try hard to hold this together, but Jeff’s boot breaks and the Hardys just look old and as if they’re not accepting of it. They are trying. But this is just not enjoyable to watch. Bucks win with a combination Twist of Fate and swanton — no, they don’t. They should have. But they did not.
Matt Hardy spitting dehydrated blood saliva into the wild blue yonder with his thinning hair spots fully exposed. A statement on what time does to us, most of all our bravest weirdos. I wound up getting into this. The Hardys are now doing some of my favorite type of wrestling: An angry argument with God and Father Time. Jeff and Matt both leave every ounce of what they came with in the ring, and get the W. Many will say the Bucks should have won, but the Bucks will never lose a “spot” or their “heat.” For one thing 90% of this audience are ironically performing themselves, so whatever. The Hardys win. God is mocked one more day. Rating: Started rough but that fed into the overall quality. I liked it more than people who do PPV reviews on web sites will.
AEW TBS Championship: Jade Cargill (c) vs Anna Jay
Well, the match is very bad. I am not a Tweeting “stan” so I will not pretend I can’t see how clunky and sloppy this was. But it happens. Cargill is still extremely green even though she’s done some level of training with Bryan Danielson for up to some weeks or whatever. Jay isn’t exactly Momo Watanabe in there, either.
But the match is more about building up to its finish and post-match story, where Stokely Hathaway arrives in Jade’s corner, and then after, Athena debuts against Jade after. Nothing physical happens there, but it had some real energy with Athena, Kris Statlander, and Anna Jay on one side and the Jade Brigade on the other. Stokely is going to get a chance in AEW to show that he has, in fact, been the best manager in wrestling for several years now. Rating: Match bad but who cares, Stokely Hathaway is here, and also Athena beefing up the women’s roster some more.
Death Triangle vs House of Black
Five fuckin weirdo devil worshipers and Rey Fenix being, like, “I love to jump. :)” The aesthetic of big Brody King being his side’s bruiser and the unbelievably powerfully built lil’ PAC being his is very good. I can very easily visualize the 2016 PWG match between any set of these guys 1 vs 1, any set 2 vs 2, any even this trios match moved to that setting.
This show really needed a banger match at this point, and this delivered enough. I also will not ignore that there were some — oh man, I’m gonna fuckin say it and you can’t stop me –BOTCHES!!! But these guys are all so quick to recover, and the match so explicitly built around going from one thing right to the next, that you never had time to worry about it very long. That is one upside on the go-go-go format. The finish sees Julia Hart, her face curse finally having sufficiently eaten away at her brain to the point she now loves Lucifer, misting PAC in the eyes so that big Mel can get the W. Rating: ⛧⛧⛧⛧
Owen Hart Cup Tournament Final: Samoa Joe vs Adam Cole
Samoa Joe is a heroic figure for middle aged men with fearless bad haircuts the world over. Here, Joe faces a man whose long flowing locks were once a sensual trademark, but closer inspection reveals some worrisome areas. No, not second career Shawn Michaels!
This was alright. I don’t think it’s the ideal opponent for Joe at this stage of his career, and also I just don’t think Adam Cole has really measured up to the top tier of the AEW roster since the night he arrived, which was a great debut. I just don’t buy him as a top guy in this company. That’s not to say this is a “top guy” spot, winning the Owen, but I’ve yet to fully adjust to the reality of AEW Adam Cole. So that’s on me. Whatever. Cole won. Rating: Pretty good.
Owen Hart Cup Tournament Final: Ruby Soho vs Dr. Britt Baker D.M.D.
Dr. Baker D.M.D. had the guy from Stuck Mojo in his hair metal cosplay playing air guitar, and then Ruby Soho had Rancid the band actually playing “Ruby Soho.” A lot of people have not seen Tim Armstrong in a long time, I discovered. I won’t say they sounded as good as when I saw them at the House of Blues in 2006, but it was fine.
The Riott Squad gals sure cry a lot for a bunch of reckless rockers who love to party and have fun, huh? Well, Logan doesn’t cry so much as attend boogaloo movement gatherings. Prefer the crying. This is the standard Baker match at this point; she’s got wack offense but a lot of presence and is good at being beaten up, and often forgets to look engaged during the parts between people doing stuff. Ruby looks solid again here, but in the end Britt gets the win after Soho does a couple of the worst Sharpshooters in recorded history. Rating: Nobody really needed the Power Couple thing nor do they seem to want it nor does it seem to actually be part of a storyline or anything, but we got it anyway!
Sammy Guevara, Tay Conti & Frankie Kazarian vs Scorpio Sky, Ethan Page & Paige VanZant
I was hoping VanZant would Lesnar Conti’s Strowman but that didn’t happen. Instead, VanZant decided to show off some mediocre gymnastics, perhaps because she is not yet good at or comfortable throwing strikes, which is in theory most of what she should have done. I’m sure Gangrel’s hard work will pay off in time. Kazarian, Sky, and Page were all fine. I’m sure Guevara did something well but, I mean, you don’t have to like every wrestler or care about them or respect their work. It’s not a charity. Rating: Bad handspring back elbow.
Darby Allin vs Kyle O’Reilly
Really good match, very physical, O’Reilly kneed the shit out of Allin at one point and they laid their stuff in and Darby did some wacky stuff where he almost got hurt a few times but didn’t. It’s a match that would get rave reviews opening a Dynamite or main eventing a Rampage but was lost here because it got on the show to fill time, very openly. But it was really good, and I always enjoy watching O’Reilly. Darby managed to top Soho’s bad Sharpshooters. Maybe if you like “punk rock” you shouldn’t do that move. Rating: Will age well.
AEW Women’s Championship: Thunder Rosa (c) vs Serena Deeb
Technically sound, as Deeb always is. I don’t enjoy her when she does anything but have a wrestling match, not because I don’t like her Character, but because I think she’s bad at portraying one. But nuts and bolts of it all, she’s as good as anyone in the States right now. Rosa holds up her end as always, and it’s her being able to project something beyond what Dean Malenko was capable of helps. Right as I say Dean Malenko, Deeb does a bad cloverleaf. This is also part of the show being paced terribly because AEW had the awful idea to defer to a basketball game during their pay-per-view. Rosa wins relatively suddenly with a Fire Thunder Driver, almost as if the referee went, “OK, the game’s about over.” Rating: Technically sound.
Anarchy in the Arena: Jon Moxley, Bryan Danielson, Eddie Kingston, Santana & Ortiz vs The Jericho Appreciation Society
This is a match that defies text description. It is among the wildest, bloodiest, craziest, damnedest matches ever held on a major American show or a major show anywhere for that matter. Everyone in this match tore it up, everyone looked great. Jake Hager wore capri pants. Blood everywhere. “Wild Thing.” Entire JAS had kangols. The lads wore white to give it away and they didn’t disappoint anyone. Daniel Garcia may have briefly been lost in the cosmos. Eddie Kingston essentially cost his team the match with Danielson about to finish off Jericho, as he staggered in soaked with blood to dump gasoline on the two of them. He meant only for Jericho, though he doesn’t care about Danielson. My man wasted about $129 of gasoline to get into a fight with a pissed off Danielson, who shortly after would get violently choked out with the ring rope. Danielson vs Kingston is going to stomp. Rating: A show stealer that brought this entire show up a notch and a half.
AEW Tag Team Championship: Jungle Boy & Luchasaurus (c) vs Keith Lee & Swerve Strickland vs Powerhouse Hobbs & Ricky Starks
My feeling is that while I truly love the Lee/Swerve team, like, they’ve been great and it’s been a perfect way to get them both established in AEW without over-exposing a frankly not 100 percent incoming Keith Lee, it’s time to strap up the boys from Team Taz. This is a hell of a match, way more energy than you’d expect it to have this far into the show and after that undeniable dip in the middle (in terms of pacing if not match quality). But everyone here is tearing it up. The dinosaur is the worst wrestler in the match but that was never really a question. They do not strap up Hobbs and Starks. They do not strap up Lee and Swerve. They keep the straps on Jurassic Express. I find this surprising and confuzzling but I will trust the process. Rating: Shockingly lively!
AEW World Championship: Hangman “Adam” Page (c) vs CM Punk
I like Hangman, but I’m just always going to be a huge CM Punk fan. I have been for 20 years at this point. I’ve been thrilled to have him back in wrestling and he has delivered in quality steadily, including some of the best matches in the entire This Business during that time.
I don’t think this was among his very best, but it was very good. The crowd was weird; not tired, but they seemed more concerned about the guy they didn’t want to win not winning than they guy they wanted to win winning, if that makes sense.
The decision to put the strap on Punk is the right one, though of course it will not be met with universal praise, because there’s a portion of the audience who believe that every second of every show should be focused on putting over new people or younger stars or whatever. There is time for a Punk title run, and whomever beats him (might be Hangman!) will get something important from ti. So I like the move, obviously. And I think Page has so much time to be the stud in AEW, and I’m also pretty confident he will be. Rating: The big man is back!
SHOW GRADE
Didn’t have the Fiend! F
Tape Machines Are Rolling 
I don’t like this review