Shane Douglas vs Terry Funk (XPW, 8-31-2002)

XPW Hostile Takeover, Philadelphia, PA

This is a request via Ko-fi. It’s for Douglas’ XPW title and the main event of this show.

Funk starts the match by throwing chairs into the ring, taking them one-by-one from the crowd. Douglas cowers in the corner as Funk heaves chairs. 58 years old, Funk is by this point. And let’s be real: pretty well shot, so it’s about the smoke and mirrors right away.

Funk now in the ring, throw chairs out of the ring as Douglas runs around. They finally start with Douglas’ ass exposed on the apron, and Funk landing a couple left hands when he pulls him down. Douglas tossed into the crowd right off. Shane’s ass is still out. He’s working Candido style tonight, baby.

Funk with left hands and a big knife edge chop. Funk out into the crowd after Douglas. Another left hand. Douglas’ ass still half out. Well, a third out. Douglas gets slammed onto a bunch of tshirts on the merch table, then Funk does it again to put him fully through the table.

Funk gets a camera from a camera man and hits Douglas, then throws the camera at the wall. More wandering and brawling. Funk with a can and he smacks Douglas with it. More wandering. More brawling.

They’re outside now. Douglas gets thrown into a wall a couple times. Then Funk breaks a beer bottle and jabs Douglas with it. Douglas is bloodied. Douglas wanders down the street. Funk yelling about his own arm. Funk coming back into the arena, and Douglas is right behind.

Douglas has the advantage not by doing anything but because Funk has maimed his own arm somehow. Douglas attacks the wounded arm. Funk goes through the people showing them his gross arm. “It looks like the muscle’s hangin’ out!”

Back to ringside, and then back to the ring where we can get a real good look at Funk’s bloody arm. Douglas sets for a piledriver and hits it. He still hasn’t really put his ass back in. Two count. Chair to the arm, very delicately, and John Finnegan calls for the bell. Funk’s really genuinely nasty ass arm is in too bad shape to continue.

Funk gets his arm wrapped and goes after Douglas, who bails, and then piledrives Lizzie Borden. Funk then removes Borden’s panties and her whole vagina is out! And her breasts! “And her boobs are showing! Ooohhhh.” Great commenary. Funk strangles Douglas with Borden’s underpants. Funk with more roundhouse lefts to Douglas, then we cut out as Funk is showing everyone his arm again.

Rating: 2.5/5. I’m all for a disgusting bloodbath and while this wasn’t quite a bloodbath it does feature a disgusting injury which Funk inflicted upon himself for a six minute indie match at age 58. Other than that it ain’t much, but I mean, there’s a naked lady and a bunch of blood, how much more do you need in garbage wrestling?