“Life sucks and then you die!” (WWF, 5-11-2000)

WWF Smackdown, New Haven, CT

Would you believe I’ve never seen this full promo? My cable at the time, when I was 18 and shit, didn’t have UPN so I didn’t actually get Smackdown on my TV package for years. I would watch their PPVs in the first brand split and barely have any idea what was going on other than the video packages before the matches, which is of course why WWE does that, so anyone can jump in any time and become a fan quickly.

The whole McMahon-Helmsley Regime is out. Pat Patterson has the mic first.

“You know, I’ve done a lot in my wrestling career, but tonight I’m a very proud man. I’m not gonna waste any time to tell you why, I will show you why! Roll the footage!”

Monday on RAW, Pat Patterson gave Rikishi a stinkface. Poopstain Patterson!

“Now not only that, tonight I was granted permission to book a wrestling match right here in this very ring. So I booked a six-man tag team elimination match. On one side, you will see the team of X-Pac, The Road Dogg, their tag team partner will be the next World Wrestling Federation champion Triple H. And they will face the team of Too Cool and their tag team partner, Rikishi!”

Everyone is happy with Pat. Shane takes the mic.

“And since we’re making matches, y’see, Big Show, I see you’re in the back there, and you keep askin’ everybody, oh Shane, which way did he go? Which way did he go? Well I’m right here, Big Show, I’m right here, and tonight, Big Show, you will be here in this very ring in a special handicap tag team table match against your new pals, The Dudley Boyz! Let’s see how much energy you have then, Show!”

Now it’s Triple H.

“That’s good crap! That was really good crap! You know, Vince, a lot of people were surprised on Monday that The Rock didn’t show up for RAW, but I wasn’t. And quite frankly–” Asshole chant. “Quite frankly I know why The Rock didn’t show up. Word leaked out, Vince, you know how things go around the WWF. Stories get out. It kinda slipped out that Monday I was gonna challenge The Rock to a 60-minute iron man match, and The Rock, quite frankly, was scared to show up and answer the challenge.

“He could’ve come up with a better excuse than the flimsy one he used than going to Morocco to make some stupid movie, The Mummy 2. Think of something more original than that, right? But the fact of the matter is, The Rock is scared! The Rock is scared! But Monday, The Rock and I will go face-to-face, and Rock, you will have to answer my challenge. 60 minutes, Rock! Iron man match! You and me! And the thing is, if you say yes, then 10 days from right now, it will be your judgment day, because the truth will be told, that as great of shape as you’re in, Rock, as physically conditioned an athlete as you are, you will never be in the shape I am. You will never be as conditioned an athlete as I am, Rock!

“And that, as electrifying as you are, you will never be as good as I am. And Rock, as great as you think that you are, the one thing you will never be, The Game, because Rock, quite frankly, you’re not in the shape I’m in, and you don’t have the heart that I have. Rock, Judgment Day, I will show the world, once and for all, that I am that damn good, and that I will be the World Wrestling Federation champion.”

And now the main event, Vince McMahon.

“Now I understand that there are a number of you–” Huge asshole chant. “I understand that there are a number of you, I understand that, I understand that some of you feel as though the McMahon-Helmsley Faction last Monday night on RAW just wasn’t fair to Chris Jericho. I understand that many of you feel as though since the McMahon-Helmsley Faction made Chris Jericho compete on three different occasions, defending the Intercontinental title until he lost it, that it just wasn’t fair.

“Well, that’s just too damn bad. Because if you don’t think it was fair Monday, you’re probably the same kind of people who wait in line, you’ll wait forever in line, like sheep all lined up. You’ll wait in line waiting your turn, and then you’ll see someone like myself very aggressively cut in front of the line, and you’ll say wait a minute! That’s not fair!

“And what about the parking lot, we’ve all been there. There you are, patiently waiting for your little parking space, and it suddenly appears. You start driving your car, oop, someone zips in, cuts you off, parks their car, and you say, wait a minute! That’s my parking space! That’s not fair!

“What about, what about on those few occasions when you will honestly and objectively look into the full-length mirror. Huh-huh, alright, now we’re getting somewhere. And you women look into the mirror, and you look at yourselves and you say, uh, ehhh, look at the cellulite hanging from my hips and my buttocks, that’s not fair!

“And you men, you men won’t even come close to the mirror. But on that occasion when you might just take a quick glimpse, you say, that can’t be me, no, that can’t be me with the potbelly and the small genitalia! Oh no, that’s not fair! And you look at yourselves, go ahead, look at yourselves! Look at the person sitting next to you, yeah, look at ’em, look at the person sitting in front of you, go ahead, look at all of you!

“You look at yourselves and you compare yourselves to the beautiful people here in this ring and you say, that’s not fair! Forget about the looks, what about the money, huh?! What about the money?! Huh?! You scrimp and you save, you work yourselves half to death, and still, you can’t afford what you really want! That’s not fair! It’s not fair that some people are rich and you’re not! That’s not fair!

“And y’know, you have to face the facts that the vast majority of you are just born with inferior DNA. You say, that’s not fair I’m born with inferior DNA. But you feel sorry for yourselves, you wallow in your self-pity, and then you have to face the facts, that life is not fair.

“And some of you, a select few, you might as well go ahead and admit it, you might as well own up to the philosophy for some of you, and that is, that LIFE SSSUCCKSS, AND THEN YOU DIE!”

Rating: NR. It’s a pretty normal promo with Patterson doing a bit, then Shane doing a bit on his rival, then HHH doing a bit on his rival, and then you get to Vince, and Vince just goes off on this weird ass tangent, attacking everyone in New Haven, CT for being fat and poor and having small cocks, and he ends it on a bumper sticker line. In other words, it is a great Vince McMahon promo.