A request! This was LIVE from Pittsburgh. Just under 15,000 in the house. “The product” is receipts-hot, folks, there’s no getting around it.
But is it good? That is what has been asked of me, in my opinion. If I wind up saying “no” it’s OK if you disagree. Not if I say “yes,” though. If I say yes and you disagree, it is you who is very wrong.
(Requests open and tips always appreciated!)
Corey Graves is the lead guy on Smackdown now. He gets to say “pro wrestling” so you KNOW it’s a New Era. Graves is from Pittsburgh so he’s wild for it. New women’s champion Bayley has arrived! Her challenger tonight is Naomi.
AJ Styles vs LA Knight
Right to action! The winner gets to face Cody Rhodes at Backlash: The Backlash to WrestleMania oh they took that part out because Paul “Hunter Hearst” Helmsley figures it’s clear enough with just the one word. He really respects my intelligence. It is a new era, of him.
New Styles theme is garbage. As he nears his 47th birthday, AJ Styles still works with the fiery anger of his much younger self, it’s just who he is. Everything he does, offense, bumping, whatever, is done with such a defiant rage, as if he’s still proving people wrong and isn’t a guy who has been a top star in every company he’s ever gone to, including the biggest one possible. Knight remains, and will remain, the sort of mildly clunky wrestler you just don’t see enough of anymore in the big leagues. There’s nothing smooth about him, but he makes it work, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s partially on purpose, to include some of that herky-jerky movement as a stylistic flourish.
Good, hard-worked match, big-time effort from both guys, cutting a fast pace for a couple of grandpas. Styles thumbs Knight in the eyeball and then wins with the Phenomenal Forearm. So it’s Cody! vs AJ! at Backlash in France. 3.5/5
After a look back at Tama Tonga’s WWE arrival the week prior, we go out to the parking lot, where Solo Sikoa arrives in an SUV and greets Paul Heyman. Solo’s in a suit, thumb still taped. Tama Tonga sneaks up behind Heyman. Sikoa doing a full Roman Reigns impression in Roman’s absence. He wants Kevin Owens, asks Heyman to take him to him. Kinda love Solo as Jackie Aprile Jr which makes Tama Tonga his Dino Zerrilli.
Smackdown General Manager Nick Aldis is in the ring. WOW HE’S INTRODUCING PAUL TRIPLE H LEVESQUE jesus fucking christ. It’s everything he’s ever wanted, an audience unbelievably willing to to kiss his ass, feet, and ass again, while he pretends to be humble and has people go out on TV to say how he’s not the sort of guy who ever wants any credit for anything. These shows are absolutely more watchable with him fully in control, I’m not arguing against that, but then the shows had become genuinely unwatchable for many years so I’m not sure this is exactly the greatest achievement in the history of This Business.
Anyway, here come the new Smackdown tag champs, “A-Town Down Under,” the team of Grayson Waller and Austin Theory. They’re getting new belts. THANK GOD, I’m glad Paul Triple was here for this. They are now known as The WWE Tag Team Champions. The belts are unveiled! They look fine.
They do at least look like wrestling belts again instead of horseshit like these blue leather abominations. The champs decline to shake H Levesque’s hand which just pisses Nick Aldis off so bad! How dare they disrespect Hunter Hearst! And now there will be A Fatal Four-Way Match for the No. 1 Contendership!
In the middle of the entrances, I learn that Naomi promos are as convincing as ever.
Authors of Pain vs Angel & Berto vs New Catch Republic vs Street Profits
I just “cannot” with Karrion Kross’ little group. Kross is an incredible lesson for HHH that HHH’s fantasy version of HHH that HHH never quite got to be actually sucks and nobody cares. Bate makes the fantastic decision to try leading Montez through stuff Montez looks completely unsure of the entire way, but by God he’s fighting it as hard as he can. Match is set up to make AoP a fearsome threat, with the champs on commentary expressing the honest reluctance to have to face them, and then they do power stuff to the other three wimp teams for a bit.
“New Catch Republic” really bring me back to the ancient days when people liked “BritWres” and the BritWres people got into a long, terrible argument with American hillbillies on the internet. The match’s breakdown period has a bunch of the in-ring action you’ve come to expect from post-prime NXT.
But it settles again. AoP back in control with the match slowed down. The champs when asked directly are still concerned with them, not so much the other wimp teams. Profits hit the Blockbuster on Berto but Dunne makes the save. Anvilo Dawkins gets finger stuff done to him. NCR and Montez do a triple dive. Street Profits get the win, Angel takes the pin. This was, like, fine but I never got much into it, it never built a momentum or came together, the spark eluded it, and other shit like that that I could say. 2.5/5
Byron Saxton, who apparently still works here, speaks with Bayley, the new WWE women’s champion. Smackdown = WWE. Raw = World. I’ll get this down. Unless they change it in The Draft next week!
Backstage, Jackie Jr is talked at by Heyman, who tries to get around to saying that the decisions Solo is making are still to be made by Roman Reigns. Solo is disinterested, so they head to the ring, followed by a camera. Wow, it’s just like Goodfellas. Heyman talks, Solo snatches the mic. He continues his Roman impression, mixed with some “Dirty” Dom crowd-baiting. Two of the masters to emulate.
From the entrance, a bloodied Kevin Owens staggers out, with Tama Tonga creeping behind him before getting into the ring with Owens tended to by referees, the best medical treatment one can get. “Ruthlessly efficient, mercilessly effective” is what they’re going with for Tama Tonga.
The bloodied Owens, all defiant like he is, comes down to the ring and takes the fight to Tama, but Solo is there to neutralize it fast. Owens fights, because that’s him, but he falls victim to the Samoan Spike, and Tonga just ATTACKS. I really think Tama’s gonna pull this off, WWE Tama Tonga is going to be his “Ben Kingsley in Sexy Beast” rebirth. This 41-year-old youngster has been given a clear character and it’s one he’s attacking with gusto.
After break, a shellshocked Paul Heyman is confronted by Nick Aldis. Once again, we are in the parking lot. There’s been a car accident! See, it was Tama Tonga ramming his Rental Car into Kevin Owens’ that started the whole thing. Heyman really is distraught over all this. “This isn’t authorized!” Aldis rambles some shit about “suits in attendance” next week or whatever because HHH is a big Vince Russo guy, I think.
Santos Escobar vs Carlito
I didn’t care about Carlito 20 years ago and I still don’t but it is kind of amusing that he’s here, and good for him. Unless he is a terrible person, which is very possible with any professional wrestler, in which case bad for him, bad for this company, and bad for all of YOU people who love Carlito Caribbean Cool so much.
I think there are too many backstage interviewers on this goddamned show. The crowd start this match as interested as I am. Carlito considers a Thesz press but doesn’t fully go through with it. Carlito is now THE POWER MAN because he is middle age jacked and not very mobile. Graves notes that Carlito “hasn’t exactly been setting the world on fire recently,” and Barrett says Carlito has seemed “frustrated” recently because he’s not having the great success he did in his first run in WWE, back when he wasn’t 45. Carlito does do a slingshot dive, then puts Zelina on his shoulders for fun, which it does seem it would be.
Zelina and Elektra Lopez try to do anything to get this match over, doesn’t really work. Escobar with the Phantom Driver mercy finish. Not in a way that I HATED!! it or anything but this was pretty bad and it doesn’t seem like this feud has a bit of juice. 1.5/5
Kayla Braxton is in a luxury box with Damage Ctrl. Dakota Kai does the talking and really works hard to engage the crowd. It’s sold out and all that but a lot of this show is getting very little reaction, perhaps just because “wrestling fans” of this modern age are busted as fuck. In a neighboring box, Jade Cargill and Bianca Belair interrupt and everyone yells at each other before the entrances for the main event.
Bayley vs Naomi
They gotta get Bayley a new theme, this shit is trash. This match is sponsored by eBay Motors. Graves says the last time these two met was in Saudi Arabia just over four years ago and that they “both have certainly evolved as competitors” which I think—well, whatever. Sure, why not?
Barrett, giving tactical analysis, says Bayley’s “got to hope Naomi simply is not at the speed to compete at that level,” which, like—well, whatever. Nayomi Nyomi dominating the action for a bit. Again, the crowd just sitting still, waiting for a run-in or a finish and little interest in anything else. Naomi does lots of cool moves that don’t feel like they’re working in harmony with one another, it’s a strange sort of disjointed, but she’s gotten really good over the years in terms of execution of single moves. But she still kinda wrestles like the wheels are churning all the time; “This move, pause, now this one, pause, now this one, pause…”
Bayley’s knee gets dinged, but she hits her flying elbow for two. Naomi with a neat submission, Bayley has to roll it over trying a pin, not really a hope to win but it makes Naomi break. They’re getting fiery now, but the crowd just isn’t with them when it’s a moment that is literally begging them to wake up. They do, just a bit, as it goes on, but also not really. They’re throwing reckless shots at each other and everyone’s just sitting around. This is such a sad state of affairs. I’m a pretty quiet wrestling fan, too, but you can’t have a crowd of people who watch like me. Terrible. These two are doing everything they can to get them up and they REFUSE.
Bayley-to-Belly on the commentary desk outside, and Graves even calls it a desk, thank God someone does it. HEY! It’s Tiffany Stratton with a sneak attack on Bayley, the bell immediately rings, we’ve got a no-contest or DQ or whatever, it doesn’t matter. The match was functionally alright but uninspiring in every way. 2.5/5
Stratton beats up both Bayley and Naomi. She hits the PME on both at the same time and, allegedly, it is now Tiffy Time. Jade/Bianca and Damage Ctrl watch with different reactions in the luxury boxes. And that is how the show ends.
I was asked to watch this to “see what I thought,” so here is what I thought: It’s all OK, basically, but despite how Business-Hot the company is, the show still felt a little lifeless to me. But it’s better than when I would have turned it off 15 minutes in because it was driving me insane, so there you go, it is truly A New Era.
Tape Machines Are Rolling 
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